*Trying* to keep the tears at bay

Well I'm doing all the right things - working hard to keep my mind off it - keeping busy in the evening with lots of people around - so I don't self pity too much. This morning driving into work I cried for a little bit - for once the sun was shining and it made me cry. It made me wish for the summer again. I know I'm positive and upbeat but I guess I have to go through this fog for a little bit to find the sunshine again in myself. I understand it's the drugs and the hormones and the PMT as I wait on AF to arrive. My parents are really supportive and are rallying around me. My partner has already moved on. He says it's the only way he can cope - he's onto the next cycle and planning on getting the money together for that. So practical and logical. As for me, I'm in the teary-eyed, ready to cry at the drop of a hat phase. It's so much easier for men to move on. They really can detach. I'm in the feelings, emotions and "What if's" space.

What if it doesn't happen for me? What if IVF #2 fails again?
What if I can't get myself out of this space?
What if I've left it too late?
Perhaps this IVF is a waste of time - success for some and failure for many.

I know I need to replace it with being grateful for what I have:
- A great partner
- A lovely family who support me financially in this quest as well as emotionally
- The knowledge that Life went on before this and can go on after this
- You can only do what you can
- You can't punish yourself for it failing - it's not your fault
- You have to *TRY*

But somehow those negatives are winning the battle at present. So every time I think a negative I force myself to think a positive.

Oh if only there was a cure to take, a pill to administer or a procedure to follow.

I don't want to make this "trying to conceive" the cornerpiece of my life and become totally focused on it - but I guess when you've been injecting twice a day, eating healthily and trying to make this IVF as much of a success as you can - it does become a major part of your life. Work is hard and trying to *look* as if everything is normal. I'm doing my very best. And that's all I can do - for the moment.