No heart to blog

Hi,

Well I've been on two weeks vacation time - and my laptop blew up in a puff of smoke. Hence my absence from all things electronic and online. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it? How am I? Well could be better. I'll fill you everything now.

My partner and I had a nice break last week in the wilds of Lovely Leitrim. It rained a lot but somehow this added to the mystical ambience. We stayed in two and a half castles - Kilronon Castle (www.kilronancastle.ie) and Lough Rynn Castle http://loughrynncastle.ie - both fantastic spots and five star hotels at a great price.

I'm kind of harbouring on about trivialities as other news has been happening.

I got through the 2 week wait with little or no bother. Although last week I had some brown spotting and this continued over the weekend. My Partner and I felt it was either A) the drugs ( progesterone and estrogen) 2) implantation bleeding or 3) detachment of embryos. I must admit my boobs have been pretty sore - suffice to say they were tingling all last week during the night.

Anyhow, I was scheduled to do my home pregnancy test yesterday. As this was my first day back at work, I felt doing it that morning before work, could make my first day back a nightmare, so my partner and I waited until late yesterday evening. I waited until I had enough liquid to fill an old mug and we dipped the stick into it. We waited and waited for that prerequisite second line - but it never appeared. I was kind of in shock and I guess I'm still kind of in shock. A Big fat Negative after six weeks of injecting, watching foods, drinking lots of water, lots of positive thinking with sprinklings of the secret and visualisations.

All to no avail.

3 grade 1, 8 cell embryos transferred and lost somewhere in the bermuda triangle of my uterus - destined for outer space of my womb, never to implant.

It made me feel pretty crappy last night. I don't feel disappointed - just empty. Just like I thought I had won the lotto and suddenly the ticket's been taken away. I'm staying away from all forums as I really don't want the sympathy vote.
I don't want anyone to commiserate with me.
I feel it enough.

So back to the drawing board - 2 IUI's and IVFs and 10,000 euros down later. Needless to say I went to my account today and I'm overdrawn to the hilt - 10 more days before payday. Thank God for my partner - otherwise I'd be starving or using my credit card to eat. I'm trying to stay on the positive side - great friends, fab partner, good talents and my health. I'd crawl into a hole and feel sorry for myself for a day or two (if I could) - but unfortunately my job beckons and I'm doing my best to maintain a semblance of normality - singing to defy my inner sadness, smiling at everyone in the office to keep up the mask - when inside a sense of gloom - which I know will pass as soon as my friend Aunt Flow arrives. Just waiting on her now.
Come on my friend - you know you want to.

Cherrygo