BFN and now FET cycle looms

Well I kind of knew this month was a washout. I didn't have any symptoms unlike last month. I started my buserelin injections yesterday and go for my baseline scan on Friday. I'm not sure what kind of mood I'm in. Work is kind of getting me down - feeling a little disillusioned. So I guess I'm feeling unmotivated. The only thing that is keeping me going is my FET. Well not much else to report and I'm not feeling like a woman of many words today.

xxx cherrygo

Health eating for the long haul.

Well I can truly say I don't feel like it happened for us this month. Somehow I think we missed our window of opportunity. We did baby dance all last week except Friday but, made up for it on Sat morning. So that was Monday, tuesday, Wednesday, thursday.

I've been busy unpacking stuff from my old house and getting it ready for letting, that I've not had much chance to think about TTC - too much. That is - until now - as I think it's either happening in my body now, or it's not. There's either a little bean implanting or not. It has either "compacted" and "morulaed" or not. Next Sunday, is my early response testing, so if no double line, I'll start my hormonal suppression injections for my FET. Onwards and upwards onto my 29th ish cycle.

A friend of mine texted me yesterday, she is really upset - she is 40 and they've been trying in earnest to conceive since May. When she started, she was so full of hope and of optimism that it would happen. I think that initially, you think it's going to happen immediately. You think - one night of shenanigans with your husband, boyfriend or partner and bingo - you're up the duff!!

I laugh when I think back to when my partner and I first got together and he was worried as we had used no condom! He tossed and turned as he wasn't ready for a child after four months of dating. I, on the other hand, knew it was day 22 and knew that was no real chance of it happening. But he was really worried.

Then as the time goes on, it starts to dawn on you, it's not as easy as you think to get pregnant.

The more you have to strive - the more you want it.
The more you want it, the more you strive for it.
The more you strive, the more obsessed you become.
Everything around you is pregnancy - you see babies everywhere. You become sensitised.

And of course on our initial journey into trying to conceive - I was so unhealthy: I was binge drinking (lots of wine and alcohol), having lots of cappucinos, lattes and extra stong coffee, skipping meals and eating all the wrong stuff (junk food, chinese takeaways). This, combined with the stress of pursuing a part time masters and day job took its toll on my system.

There was one time, we were in Spain and I had a lot of spotting (around the time of implantation). Of course, I was on holidays and drinking lots of sangria and wine. Then when my period didn't come - I stopped drinking, worried I had ruined the fetus in my drinking sessions. Needless to say, my period came. albeit 3 days late. But as soon as it came, I was back to wine and sangria. This continued into 2008 and still no BFP.

Then last Valentines day, (2009) I started to think about giving up all the bad stuff. I started to believe there is a link between good diet and good eggs. I also started to think - that I need to preserve my fertility - if it's going to take a while to get pregnant. So I wasn't just looking at it short term - I was thinking about this long term. So I gave up the coffee, tea, junk food and replaced it with berries, fruit, vegetables good red meat and lots and lots of water. this is a long term commitment and a lifestyle, not a fad diet in advance of IVF. It has to be a way of life. Of course, it means I'm so much more healthier.

Somehow though, since I've started all this healthy stuff, I don't feel any better? Considering all the sleep, exercise, water and vitamin supplements I take, you would think I'd be as healthy as an ox. But no, I still don't feel fantastic. Last Friday, the acupuncturist said my energy levels were really low and that my digestive system was not working properly. She really hurt me during my session:when she stuck a needle into my hand and my arm, I leapt about in pain. " A blockage" she said as I writhed in agony, "this your problem." It was most definitely my problem as she prescribed me with herbs that cost about 45 euro and they tasted like "smelly feet mixed up with dirty dish water". I thought I was really going to heave taking them. In fact, I wish she could give me them in tablet form as I even dread having to boil them. Oh the price we pay on this fertility trip. She has also made me take my BBT (body basal temperature) every morning. So far I've been one whole degree warmer than my partner. I take mine, then I take his - just to make him feel part of it.

Yet my energy levels are still low, the herbs aren't working. I feel like crap today - tired and headachey yet again.
Maybe it's just age - or maybe it's just the commute to work every day - or maybe I've hit gold.

I'll keep you posted.

Double line says OVARIES ARE GO! Get babydancing!

Good morning or "top of the morning" as they say here.

Well I used the OPK (ovulator predictor kit) last night and guess what - at CD 11 I got the double lines. Clear as day. Two lines telling me my hormones were all crazy. but I guess I knew that already as I definitely felt like a sexy woman again. Today is CD 12. So I guess that means in the next 24 hours I will ovulate. This is kind of weird for me as I thought I probably ovulate around day 14 - but this is now telling me it's earlier. Perhaps this is where we fell down before as I never thought it could be this early!

So anyhow, we baby danced last night and had plans for this morning (but alas alarm went off at 5am and we just couldn't muster the energy). So I guess it will be later on today! woo hoo!. We may as well take advantage of my super hormones. Has anyone ever taken Maca? At the moment, I'm taking it and it's done wonders to my CM as has lots of cups of hot lemon and water. Maca is often called the spanish viagra and I can see why as I'm feeling the need for "you know what". Even my partner can't get over the increased appetite! It doesn't taste fantastic, but hell if it gets me horny enough to get pregnant - I'd eat a whole can of it! hehehe.
I'm really pretty busy in work and I've been drinking my hot lemon and water all day long. I need to find a new herbal tea as I'm pepperminted out and I can't stand camomile. Well folks, nothing else to report except myself and the partner are painting the house and hoping to have it looking really nice for Christmas. Can't believe I just said that - Christmas! Flights are only 340 dollars including taxes to the US and we were thinking if I'm not preg, that we may go before Christmas to Boston and visit my partners sister who lives in CT. Sure we'll see what happens. I think we may think about getting a ring there. Whoo hoo, could he be making an honest women out of me??!

I'll keep you posted.

xx Cherrygo

CD10 and I'm a sexy women with needs!

I had a nice but stressful weekend. I managed to "let" my house as myself and my partner decided to not sell it - as the market is too depressed and it's not worth letting the house go for less. I put the ad in on Friday and by Saturday I had tenants! Pretty good work. My partner's mom and dad had their 50th wedding anniversary - wow I joked with my partner - we'll be 90 by the time we get to celebrate that - well sorry - I'll be 90 and he'll be 83! I know it sounds like a long time away - but I think that when we view how quickly time went this year - just multiply that by 50 and see how fast your life flies. Enjoy every minute, even if it is stuck at your desk in work - like me ;-(. One of these days, I'll finish my book and not have to be in an office. So here we are again, I'm heading back into fertile territory - it's CD 10 (I think) and for some reason, I always feel hopeful now and I also feel the best of myself at this time of the month. Yup, even the ole libido starts on the upward track. I want "it" and don't have to convince myself I want "it". I'm a walking hormone with needs! I have been getting little twinges in the ovary area - so things are happening. Anyhow, we'll go again - you have to keep trying. And god knows I am a trier.

Those who succeed know the pain of failure and the strength of determination.

Love cherrygo

Stop the post mortems....

I can't stop analysing last month for some reason.

As I'm here in work - I'm constantly looking back at my symptoms that I had last month - the classic preg symptoms: the sore aching boobs, the gassiness, the tiredness and the headaches and the cramping well over a week before my period was due. I even joked with my DP about my gas! My friend said I need to take heart from it as it means I'm getting closer to my goal. But I can't help thinking perhaps I shouldn't have been lifting heavy furniture, doing lots of housework etc., the Sunday before my AF was due. Would it now be different?

But I have to stop the "what ifs" and take heart in the fact that possibly, quite possibly I had a pregnancy within my grasp. Thats the positive.

This thing is starting to consume me and I really need to just let it go now. I need to just forget about it and stop the post mortems.

What is meant to be will be.

Sorry, readers, I'm just thinking out loud my emotional journey here - it's a like a talk-back between my positive and my negative side.

Whose winning?
I'll keep you posted.
Love Cherrygo

Things can only get better

Yesterday was a hard day.

Don't ask me why - but everything got on top of me in work - I was so stressed with so much to do and so many people pulling out of me - all wanting different things at different times.
So I was just so headachey by the time the day ended - I just felt like screaming out really loud.

When I finally got home - I lay down on the bed and had a little cry. The four walls started to close on me. I called my dear partner and he was worried about why I was so down. He felt like I was having a nervous breakdown or something as he couldn't understand why I was so upset after a stressful day. But well when you add together - Moving house, trying to let out house to tenants, renting out my fathers apartment for him, moving my furniture and all my personal items, as well as doing my day job - well all of this is enough to send any one screwy. Also, to compound to the stress, my AF has been here for 6 days. Talk about heavy and flowing like a river. Mine has stayed bright red throughout - not a normal period for me at all. So now I'm at CD6 and still bright red AF. So I don't know why I had a little cry - perhaps it's my hormones?

Perhaps I just had a bad day.

Who knows.

As they say, things can only get better.

Throw caution to the wind.

Well it's been a few days. The song goes "what a difference a day makes" and it certainly does. Whilst I'm not over the moon and brimming with positivity - I have dusted myself off and picked myself up. This AF has been really heavy - so heavy that I haemorrhaged on Sunday night and in work on Monday morning (right through all my clothes onto my chair in the office)- which makes me think this was definitely an embie that tried to take, but didn't - hence how late my period was and hence the positive opk - which duly turned negative.

It's CD5 now, (and AF is still here) and I'm starting to feel things grow inside again - little shoots of follicles starting to awaken to another cycle. Since I started the infertility treatments, I feel these twinges more so than I ever do before. When I'm feeling doubtful and negative - I keep repeating to myself "I can get pregnant, I can get pregnant!" rather than "why can't i get pregnant?" I'm doing my best to support myself. I haven't been able to go online as sometimes you just need to support yourself and get yourself back to a position of strength. In the IF rollercoaster, it's not the drugs or the procedures, it's the emotions: The hope, the energy and the strength needed for each cycle. Sometimes, this hope can really let you down and make you feel twice as worse - for if you hadn't been hopeful you would not be as down now. Ironic really isn't that - that hope can bring you down?

So I'm not sure where I really am emotionally at present - No-man's land. Not happy. Not sad. Not anything - just getting on with it.

Last weekend I minded my 2 year old nephew for a few hours and it thankfully got my mind off everything - albeit for a few hours.

So I'm trying to keep busy to just forget about that whole thing and pretend I'm 30 again and just throwing caution to the wind and having fun.

Yours Cherrygo

BFN, BFN and now onto FET

I'm so sorry I did that OPK with the positive two lines and it looked like Hcg in my system. I have a funny feeling it could have been a chemical pregnancy as they say it does then arrive late (mine was 4 days late) and by Friday my hcg was negative from the doc's office. A week prior to that I had the sore boobs and the tingling of the nipples. Both in my IVF cycle and in the last natural cycle, I developed sore throats and I'm convinced it's an immune system thing. My body does not WANT to take the embryos.

Ah well, the hardest thing was seeing my partner be really upset. it really knocked him for six. He was so upset last night as he had been making plans.

I guess what's hard for me now is the hope is starting to fade into the twilight. I just have no faith in the clinics here in Ireland. There is no sense that they know better than you - in fact i know more than them. Even with this FET, they wanted me to go on the pill. I hate the pill and it makes my cycle irregular and I had to WRITE and tell the doctor that. Now I don't have to take it. The doctor is too busy at 180 euros per hour to bloody well talk to you. Not like in America, where they have their RE's who know them personally - who do individual programme tailored to them. We don't have REs - we are just a number and a cash cow. It's a conveyor belt - do everyone with the same protocol and some will stick and some wont.

Oh, I just don't even think that this FET will work. The faith is GONE. I'm just sick of the whole system here. I don't even have a choice of changing a clinic as we have so few. I mean after, my failed IVF, the doctor didn't even call me to say sorry. Nothing = no follow up, no discussion. Just left in the dark and 5000 euros less in your bank account.

Lovely.

Girls it's gone. I've had it. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of eating really well, watching my exercise, not drinking wine, not drinking coffee (for 9 months now), giving up my masters degree and of all this work. FOR A SWEET BFN. I'm so angry at the moment. So peed off. So every darn negative emotion in the book. It's all there and I have to get on with it and work every day and I'm working this weekend - heading in now.

I just don't know what to say.
WORDS ARE JUST NOT ENOUGH

2 days late

Well I'm now 2 days late on my period. I was due on Tuesday. I don't want to tempt fate and suddenly for AF to come so maybe I shouldn't even post this. This is not really usual for me as I'm normally bang on time even after all the meds I had been taking since May for my IUIs and IVF treatments.

Anyhow I'm trying my best to not think too much about it. Because it just could be late and these are the kind of events that can "break you" when trying to conceive. The whole building up hopes and then having them dismantled when your AF arrives.

I'm not sure when I'll do the HPT, I had thought about going to the doctor tomorrow for a blood test and that's probably the best course of action, but I'm not sure I'll get an appointment at short notice.

Today I went to the grocery store and I slipped on their wet floor and went flying - my leg is all cut and my pantyhose (tights) are all ripped. Anyhow all is fine. The manager needed a bit more But then I got to thinking - say if I was pregnant and say if I had been badly hurt. What then? It got me thinking about things like - it's not only myself I need to think about now!

Wish me the best! These few days are tense!

xxx cherrygo

Well dear readers

I had a little bit of a "corfuffle" yesterday - I on the spur of the moment decision decided to do a HPT (Home pregnancy Test) when I felt some cramping.

Now of course there was no home test left in my house - they were all in my partner's house. Typical! I then happened upon an OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit) in my drawer and I knew that it measures the amount of Hcg in your system (which is only in your system if you're pregnant). So I thought why not? It'll be fun!

So anyhow, I'm sitting there on the loo (TMI!) and not expecting anything to happen. One line appears and nothing. But then gradually a second line begins to appear. Soon it was equally as dark as the first one. I kind of got a bit breathless and rang my partner - who didn't seem too excited - as it's not an official test. Then I started to google OPK's and positive results and it appeared I "could be."

So I'm officially "could be" at the moment.

I have to say, the past few days I've been feeling strange twinges. They were particularly painful last night. They really took my breath away.

So now, it's official. I'm late. Me, who is regular like the 77 bus- always on time, never late.

I'm 15dpo and no sign of anything or spotting and the cramping has disappeared today.
I wish the cramping would come back - as I found it kind of comforting.

One thing I will say is that my headaches have been thumping the past two weeks - so much so that I complained in work that my VDU was really affecting me. So could I be pregnant? Am I going to do a HPT? The answer is "No", I won't do one. I've decided to wait until Friday and if my AF has not come I'll go to my GP (General Practitioner doctor) and get a blood test. I'll have to do that anyway so I may as well just go straight and get that over with.

So am I excited? No, I'm threading a very fine line here - I don't want to be really upset when my AF arrives. Funnily enough, a close friend of mine called me. I hadn't heard from her in a while as she lives about 200 miles away. She rang to see if I had any news. And -at present, no news is good news. So I'm just biding my time - hoping AF doesn't come. Every waking hour is of - "could I be"? Yet, somehow at the same time, I'm out of body, I'm also very cool calm and collected. What is meant to be will be.

xx cherrygo

Do Dreams come true?

I had this very lovely dream last night. I dreamt my baby came to visit me in a dream. This is the very first time this has ever happened to me so it gives me great comfort!

I always wanted to dream about a baby or having a baby and somehow it evaded me. But last night I had the most lovely dream on this. The dream was really clear with really strong colours and it was like walking in a movie. However, I knew I was in a dream and knew it not to be real. Somehow I knew this dream was being sent to me so I could see my baby.

I could see her (yes that's right a girl) a couple of feet away from me and she was dressed in really bright clothes. I wanted to go up and cuddle her and I asked the person who was giving me the dream, was this possible? The person said yes you can touch her and she will feel real and warm. I went up and touched her - this little blonde baby with a floral pink hat on and a white dress with emerald green flowers. She was smiling at me and I felt so happy. I woke up and immediately told my partner. Funnily enough, I've been having very vivid dreams the past two weeks. I remember them and I'm having them every night. I don't know if it's the vitamins I'm taking or what.

Anyhow, here's hoping that dreams really do come true.

Lotsa hugs cherrygo

Baby Names and visualising it into BEING

It's funny I have been reading a lot of books on "how" women in their 40's get pregnant and the one common thread is they BELIEVE it's going to happen for them. One book, by Sandy Robertson, said she physically spoke to her child, imagined it there beside her in order to manifest her baby. She said she even shopped in baby shops and put up a collage of the type of baby she would have and the baby room's colours.

At first I thought this was a bit mental - a bit taking it too far. A bit bordering on the insane. But with all the success stories - entrepreneurs, inventors, religious workers, charitable workers - before they achieved something big, they ALL could see it first. So I've got to find some comfort in that and perhaps take a leaf out of that book.

Anyhow, I decided I would do my baby collage and yes I've now got a collage in my wallet. I even started thinking of baby names. For some reason I thought of a girl. Not sure why. My partner's sister died when she was 41 ( 5 years ago) in the middle of open heart surgery and her name was June. Coincidentally my mum's name is also June - so I thought it would be fitting if her name was June, but in the old Irish spelling - Shiuin pronounced shoon or
Shoo-wan. So Siuin it is. Siuin Juliana. Then if it's a boy, it's Samuel James (after my partner's uncle - who died last week.)

I kissed him goodbye and asked him for a little wish.

- A baby

Have a great weekend.

No POAS for me

It's CD 23 for me and only 5 more days until CD28. But I've decided to not do a POAS.

I am going to wait until it is late - if it is late. I'm going the old fashioned way. Boy do I hate those sticks - one wee and they determine your mood within 3 minutes. Why oh why were they invented?

But it seems that everywhere, everyone around me is pregnant. We only have a small office and there's three out of the 20 pregnant - all discussing bump positions and their daily grind with heartburn.

The other night I checked my Facebook and my ex and his wife are now "up to duff" 5 months expecting a boy. Married a perfect 3 years and now pregnant right on cue. Now, that hurt. Not because I still fancy the ex - but because he has the perfect wife who has a perfect reproductive system that only looks at her husband and is pregnant. No vitamins - no avoidance of alcohol, no sacrifice or injections for her - all just natural love-making - as it should be.

I keep correcting myself and those green monster feelings as soon as they start to build - I keep reminding myself - yes it will happen to you - so stop feeling jealous when it happens for others. I try to feel happy for them and I generally can. I know jealousy is only a natural reaction - and I immediately stop it in its tracks and replace it.

Then I wonder why is it so easy for some to conceive and so much harder and a journey for others.

I've met so many wonderful women on forums who have fantastic spirits and will make caring, loving mothers, yet the holy grail of pregnancy eludes them. Some continue on their journeys for 7, 8 years and longer and never give up - now that's what I call persistence.

This morning, I noticed this young Dad bringing his shiny pig-tailed 5 year old daughter to school, she holding his hand and he regularly looking down and smiling at her. So pure and so lovely. It's such a nice thing to see. Then I visualise my partner doing the same thing.

Hoping and praying.

Hoping and praying.

Then I wonder - if when it arrives - the double line on the stick saying you are pregnant - is it a let-down, an anti-climax? After all the hoping, wishing, waiting, preparing.

Who knows.

Let's hope I get to see that double pink line. In the meantime, I'm doing everything to try and bring it about.

Yours cherrygo.

Please Help. If you can

The Health Service Executive (HSE) in ireland has stated they will only aid payment of IVF drugs on 3 IVF tries per woman. They are claiming this cutback is being made for health reasons for a woman (that she is put into danger of OHSS)

Currently on the drug payment scheme, IVF candidates pay around 100 euros maximum per cycle. Now a woman is only allowed subsidies of her drugs for IVF for 3 goes.

However this means if a woman goes for IVF #4 in Ireland, it will add 2500-3000 onto her cycle costs as the HSE will not fund her beyond the 3 cycles. Please help and sign the petition on the link below - I think they need 1000 signatures.

Thanks for listening
http://petitions.tigweb.org/HSEcutbacks?signedpetition=255805645

A new week - official second week wait

I had a lovely weekend - Saturday spent having a lovely lunch with friends ( I must admit - I sneaked one glass of champagne) and Sunday was spent "herding" with my dear partner.

Well folks this herding lark is more than I thought it would be. They have this technique whereby they place red dye under the male sheep (ram) so that when he hops on top of the female (ewe) to "do the business" he leaves a red mark and my partner then knows which sheep have had a good "seeing to". And apparently it only takes once to make sure that the female sheep is "up the duff" or preggers! Oh to be a sheep!

Also the ram does not go back for seconds - once he has had one - he moves swiftly onto the next bit of meat! Sounds like a lot of men I once knew!

As for me, I'm feeling pretty tired at the moment - my AF is due next week and I start the Birth control pill (BCP) then. Back to another cycle. I was just really enjoying this "break". But who knows, maybe by next Wednesday we'll have a BFP naturally. You have to have hope!
But I must say, you don't feel as tense about the month end as when you've paid 5k for a cycle or 1300 for an IUI cycle. You almost feel because you've paid out that money - that you HAVE to get a positive test. I physically and mentally hate to POAS (pee on a stick) as I really really wish our clinics would just do the blood test and take the tension off you. There was a really good programme on last week on radio about how unregulated fertility clinics are in Ireland - whereas in the US, they have a lot of standards to adhere to and the competition is fierce. Oh to have the money to do a cycle in the US. Perhaps if I win the Lotto. Another article in the paper stated that if IVF does not work after 3 goes, then it will never work. However I disagree, I see women finally achieve it after 7 cycles and I firmly believe that it is a woman's choice. Me personally I think I'd capped it at 3 goes and hopefully 3 FET cycles. Then I'll throw in the towel and embrace the au natural method until I'm the grand old age of 45. That's my plan anyhow.

Talk to you tomorrow. Must work. Cherrygo xx

Welcome to the weekend

Well folks, the weekend is finally here. I just love a Friday - the feeling of the two days off stretching out ahead of you - long sleep ins and candle lit baths to die for. I've nothing too crazy planned - except lunch with my college friends in Roly's bistro (tres posh) on Saturday. Then on Sunday, my partner wants me to go "herding" with him. For those of you who don't know what herding is - it's basically moving the sheep around fields - so they don't eat the field "dry" of grass!!

I'm becoming a farmer in me old age. There is so much more to farming than just leaving the animals to eat grass and then killing them for meat. They have to get manicured - (yup, their feet need to be scrubbed and cut and pedicured to stop diseases developing there), they get their shots, they even get haircuts (In the Summer).

So that's me for the weekend - nothing too hectic and nothing too insane. Gone are the days when I used to measure my weekend by the amount of drinks I had (and how many boys I kissed)!! Those were my heady days. I've certainly partied enough to allow me to enjoy this settling down phase. Alright I know, it took me until 38 to figure out it was time I settled down, but I have to say I partied like a rock star! Gigged around the world, made friends in many cities, got into some fixes (and got out again) and they all make for some great memories.

I must tell you of them sometime.

Sometime.
Have a great weekend Cherrygo xx

Arthur Guinness is 250 years old today

Well the funeral went off nicely. It was a calm peaceful day in Shillelagh (Co Wicklow) where my partner's uncle got buried. His final resting place overlooking (one of 3 Cork trees in Ireland) and a view of a beautiful patchwork quilt with fields of green and gold.

I made sure I kissed my partner's uncle in the funeral home and asked him for a little wish - (guess what that was!!) Funnily my lipstick left a little mark on his forehead ( he would've have loved this as he loved women!).

Today is Arthur Guinness (or Guinness 250th Anniversary) and to celebrate at 17.59pm (the year Guinness was born) concerts are happening all over Dublin - Tom Jones is singing in a small medieval bar in Dublin called the Brazen Head, Razorlight in Vicar Street and apparently Beyonce and the Back Eyed peas will be singing somewhere to celebrate Guinness 250th Birthday. So anyhow at 17.59 pints of guinness are reduced to the price of 2.50 worldwide - so that the biggest toast in the world can happen. My old classmates from college are heading to the pub at 5pm so I think (even though I'm now a drop-out) - I will have to come along for the "craic!"

So anyhow, now I'm in the official (second week wait) 2ww - following our au naturale month.! Wouldn't it be a surprise if it happened naturally! Well blog you will be the first to know!! Come on BFP - this is exciting as it's my first time since May - that I have been trying naturally as it's been IUI and IVFs.....As I sit here drinking my raspberry leaf tea and hoping my system wants this baby as much as I do.
Must dash back to work. Talk to you tomorrow. xx Cherrygo

Saying Goodbye and helping each other

Today is Wednesday, am I've taken the day off work to attend my partner's uncle's funeral. It's nice to have a day off mid week - breaks up the week. College started up last night and I miss not being with my class mates. But this is a small sacrifice as the stress is just too much and I need to keep zen in my TTC journey. Myself and all my classmates are all going out on Saturday for lunch. I really wish that the first IVF had worked as I would've gone back to college and be graduating in Feb 2010. Now, god knows when I'll finish this masters. All i've left is just one semester and my thesis. I'm going to try and do some reading while I'm off an get some of my thesis done on this break.

Well I tried to do my OPK last night and the stick had obviously lost its goodness as no line appeared even on the control area. Mind you I felt the twinges of ovulation on my right hand side. So my dh and I made sure we baby danced last night and this morning. It's fun just doing it without thinking of drugs etc., I wish we could just do this for a few years and take our time enjoying each other. But them's the breaks of being an older gal! I really like the attitude of the Secret to aging. They basically say, when it's your 50th birthday, don't put 50 candles on the cake - put just one candle. As our body renews itself every 3 months - so you're really just as old as you feel. I'm convinced this positive mental attitude will fend off body diseases. The Secret talks about society seeing getting old as getting more aged, in other words - we feel we are old because we are told we are OLD. The same with doctors talking about aging eggs - they say your eggs are old now - or you are too old to have a baby - you need Donor eggs. The more they say this to you - the more you think it's right. Half the battle is the positive mind - the positive faith. That can cure anything! I also wish that when I go to the fertility clinic - they put together a diet and a supplement for you - a holistic look at fertility - rather than a drug methodology.

The more I think about it - the more I want to put together a group here in Dublin - of girls trying to conceive so that we can help each other out. Sandy Robertson's book spoke about how the group for over 40's all helped each other become pregnant - and as one became pregnant -it would spur the others on and encourage them.

Well, the sun has just come out and I have to get ready for this funeral. I'm glad Jimmy got a nice day to say goodbye.
Goodbye Jimmy and rest in peace and have some fun there!
Cherrygo...xx

Monday evening blues

Well the weekend came and went in a whirl. Saturday and most of Sunday was spent painting trying to get my house into show home condition.

In the meantime, on the fertility front, I've been doing my OPK's (Ovulation Prediction Kits) and no sign as yet of the double pink line telling me to BABY DANCE. Mind, you we've been baby dancing like billyo - pulling all kinds of Saturday night fever moves!. It's kind of hard to know when my period truly arrived as there was spotting for a day or two. So I'm guessing tonight could be day 12 (and still nothing.).

But possibly all the drugs are interfering with the ovulation or else I'm having some sort of panic that at the big 40, you don't ovulate EVERY month? But I've got all the signs - The cervical mucus has increased and is starting to get sticky and looking like egg white. I've also got the thundering headache which signals hormonal changes.

Just got some bad news tonight. My partner's uncle died of cancer - it was a fairly long battle. It's sad to see old people leave the world almost as they come into the world - like babies - unable to look after themselves. So this evening I'm sure will be an emotional one in my house. One door opens and another one closes.

Last night as I was falling asleep I told my partner I really want the privilege to pass on all I've learnt to a little son or daughter.

I truly do.

The Baby Recipe

Well top of a Friday morning. I'm already getting that Friday BUZZ

The last few days - I've made a lot of progress. I'm feeling a lot more tuned into my positive channel again. I'm feeling extremely buzzed about our "au natural" month. It's good to be not taking drugs and just not caring about anything. It's good to feel ALIVE again and not a walking injection! Though I said to my partner this morning, I really don't mind all the drugs, they're fine - they're not bad at all. In fact, they make me feel like I'm doing something to help!

Also I've been listening to "The Secret" every morning driving in my car. So for now, I'm believing I am pregnant. Yes, that's one of the things you must do in "The Secret" - believe that it has already been received and that you are grateful and happy for it. So that's what I'm doing. I'm behaving as if I am (as we say in dublin) "up the duff!" I need to believe with every fibre of my being. Now, that's the hard part, practising make believe.

Now, all myself and my partner need to do is enjoy some "baby dancing"...in order for it to happen. And.......that won't be too much of a chore. So this weekend is lining up as
Day 10 (Fri)
Day 11(sat),
Day 12(sun),
Day 13(Mon),
Day 14 (Tue) - these are the days to go for it!!

I've been taking all my supplements - here's a list of my morning pills. I'm the queen of pillpopping!
Co10 Co-enzyme 10 (2 a day)
Chlorella (superfood) (up to 6 per day)
Udo's oil, omega, 3, 6 and 9 (3 x 3 times per day)
My usual multivitamin (one per day)
400 mg Folic Acid (one per day)
Natural iron sachets ( 2 per day for my anemia and to prevent it)
Baby aspirin (one 75mg per day)
Royal Jelly (one per day)

(I actually stopped the DHEA as I'm really frightened of this as it's a hormone...)

Chinese herbs:
Nuan Gong Yun Zi Wan ( apparently these chinese herbs warm the uterus/womb - and this appears to be my problem - I think as to why my 2 little embies didn't take there)
Ren Shen Gui Pi Wan (mainly consists of Ginseng and helps to tone the blood)
Fu Ke Yang Rong (nourishes Yin apparently!)

Do I feel any better? Well not sure yet. The other day I bought an online book for 50 dollars ("the pregnancy miracle" by Lisa Olson.) I know I'm a SUCKER with a capital S!! It was one of those spur of the moment decisions. I suppose I know an awful lot about fertility now. I really should start a fertility workshop here in Ireland. Get some ladies together to support and help each other....hmmmm ideas...

It pretty much tells you what most the other books do tell you - but interestingly includes sections on doing acupressure yourself on your body on various points. This part really interests me - as I hate having to spend 80-100 euros on an acupuncture session and I really want to know which points they are using and why. This book has an entire section with points. So I found that really useful. It is pretty expensive for 50 dollars - and not really worth it - so seriously don't buy it! To be fair, It is fairly comprehensive and to be honest - if you were to buy all the supplements - it would cost the same as an IUI!! I know my supplements are about 100 euros per month. But I suppose I don't drink, so they're my alcohol!

So folks, it's another weekend and the sun failed to come out all week. We were supposed to have a week of sunshine - but somehow clouds conspired to blow across to us from Europe. So anyway, have a great weekend - mine is going to be spent painting my house tomorrow. In 2 weeks time, it's on the market. I'll be selling my house....There's no point in me and my partner having two houses and all the extra expense. So mine is being sold. Wish me Luck!

The Secret of the Secret

Well woke up this morning and once again find myself obsessed with finding the positive side of things. I got a call from my clinic this morning - to tell me the Doctor is happy for me to go ahead with my Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET). They wanted me to start my down regulation on day 21 of this cycle but I decided we really wanted this month to go au natural! I told the nurse, that we really wanted this month drug free - she agreed. So I'm now on the long protocol for my FET and won't be doing my embryo transfer until November 12th. So it's the usual thing, back on the birth control pill on my next period and then on day 21 of the cycle, I start the sniffer dog nasal spray and then I start scans and then of course the embryo go in around thurs nov 12th. I would much much prefer a natural cycle - where they track my body and the embryos are placed in at the exact time after ovulation - which then ensures less chemicals and hormones in my body. But typically as I said to my partner tonight - in the clinics in Ireland here - it's all about THEM not me. They don't want me to ovulate naturally - as this could happen on a weekend. Shock! Horror! And then they'd have to pay staff to come in on the weekend. Oh so, please, please dear universe and God, try and give us a natural conception this month. According to the secret, I HAVE To believe. I am pregnant. I am pregnant. I have to believe it to be true and it will be true. I'm trying it. I apparently cannot send mixed messages, I have to totally 110% believe. So yes, I do believe. It WILL happen. I know it's on its way.

Are you convinced yet universe?

The fertility diet

So here I am again, just as my AF ends, getting stuck into health eating mode. Thinking about my diet - trying to put in foods that will help my body work better. I suppose in the end, whatever happens (babywise) I'll be way more healthier. In fact, now I no longer drink tea, coffee and alchohol, I must be really really healthy! Okay, I had the odd sip of wine to taste my partners glass or at the wedding I allowed myself two drinks. But otherwise, I'm pretty much alcohol free.

Every day has become a digestive grind: making sure I eat my berries, porridge, no tea or coffee and keeping it healthy and wholesome as well as drinking the water and taking my daily vitamin supplements of Omega 3,6,9, co10 (co-enzyme 10), Royal jelly, and my multi-vitamin.

The jury is still out on DHEA. Although the studies show better response rates in IVF with women over 40 and taking DHEA - I still feel it's another hormone and it's all about balancing the hormones.

DHEA is illegal to sell in Ireland - so I got my Dad to get me two months supply in the US. I'm kind of afraid of taking this hormone - despite that it appears to help women over the age of 40 and their fertility. Afraid I'll suddenly morph into a man with a deepening voice and acne! So I think I'll just take one 25mg capsule today. I'll keep the dosage low - so to be on the safe side. So we'll see how I feel after two weeks of the DHEA - whether to keep it up!

Otherwise, just trying to eat the good stuff. I went into a chinese the other day (as my partner wanted prawn stir fry and asked them if there was any dish that doesn't have msg in it. And the answer I got was No, it's in everything - sauces, the meats are marinaded in it and the veg are full of it). Well, that's made my decision - no more chinese takeways. I look at my partner's mother - who had children right up until she was 48 years old (she gave birth at 48 to a healthy girl) and her diet was just very simple. Potato, meat (from the farm), and vegetables grown from the farm. Nothing too exotic - just a simple meat and three veg diet. Of course, she didn't smoke or drink ever and that all helps egg quality. So I'm using her as my template!!

If I can keep this healthy eating for as many years now into my 40's - I can possibly stop the aging process (or at least slow it down). Keep it simple. At the very least, I'll be the picture of health. They have a saying in the computer language (GIGO) Garbage in and garbage out and I'm using that for my diet programme.

Anytime I feel like a bad snack - I think GIGO.....to stop myself. Although last Thursday I "fell off the wagon" and had a Burger King and some crisps (chips in americanese!). Oh well, I guess you have to allow yourself some vice's - some of the time. It's all about balance. Yin and Yang as the chinese put it.

See you soon. Cherrygo

A wedding in County Antrim

Well I had a lovely weekend was lovely - weather was fantastic and the sun shone in a crystal clear blue sky. We drove up to County Antrim on Friday and it took about 3.5 hours driving in the heat of the car, because my partners AC was not working. When I arrived at the church for the rehearsal, I met the other members of the string quartet and we rehearsed Canon in D by Pachebel, which sounded pretty fantastic. It is lovely playing with strings and the harp sits very nicely in the ensemble. After the rehearsal, we checked into our hotel - Galgorm Manor Resort and Spa. It was so beautiful there. A long green treelined driveway leads to the houses. These old manor houses have been built around Galgorm river which has a waterfall right behind the Grand Hall window - so whilst the top table were eating their dinner, they had a waterfall as their backdrop. There is such attention to detail as this resort has beautiful furniture and finish throughout.

My partner and I had a fab little suite - with a deep bath (with golden legs and a seat), LCD TVs, marble bathrooms and its own decking leading out towards the river, which you could hear as you fell into a slumber. The wedding itself went fine - quite a sombre affair with very little light-hearted humour, but I guess every religion looks at the wedding ceremony differently. After playing at the ceremony, I quickly rushed back to play the harp at the entrance steps to the Manor, so I'd be there to greet them when they arrived in with some Irish music. I made sure I was getting the sun on my back. I treated myself to a little glass of Pimms (Old english cocktail which they drink at Wimbledon) and then my partner came over with a glass of champagne).

These were my two drinks for the day as I really don't want to jeopardise my health and (my eggs) by having a mad drinking session! Anyhow, I truly think I've lost the taste for alcohol. It is kind of weird being at an Irish wedding and having everyone else get nice and tipsy.

Finished playing the harp at 5pm and packed it up by 5.30pm. Phew, I could then finally relax. The bride and groom presented me with flowers for playing the harp, so it was well worth the effort.

Yesterday, myself and my partner got up early as he had to get home to Wicklow to start making hay! I decided to go with him. So he got into the tractor and "made hay" whilst I sat in the field on the grass, enjoying the country air and the sunshine. I just turned off for the day, reading and just enjoying being outdoors. We finished about 6.30pm and went home for dinner. Bed beckoned early and we hit the pillow at about 9.30pm. All in all, the weather has this profound effect on our mood - people smile at you and you smile back.
Let's hope it continues.

To be healthy or not to be healthy - that is the question

well another day, another dollar - or another euro.

Heading off to that wedding together today at midday.

Cramps from AF last night were so bad I had to get up in the middle of the night. Also the flow is quite heavy - but I expect that is after the Aspirin. Been dosing myself with Lemsip flu remedy as feeling pretty fluey. My partner thinks its swine flu...(drama King!) but I know it's just a little head cold. My system goes totally down when I get my period - for some reason. This is always the time I get sick!

Well not much to say - except I will allow myself two glasses of Kir Royale (Champagne and creme de cassis on top) tomorrow - otherwise I have no intention of polluting my body with alchohol. My partner thinks I should just let loose - but I really don't feel like I want to step backwards.

I truly think that alcohol helps your body age and the name of the game for me now is to stop this process for as long as I can - for as long as I'm trying to have a baby.

So, I try and drink 2 litres of water a day, eat fruit and veg and avoid processed or Msg foods.

I don't know if all this helps, but I do know I feel healthier and the thoughts of a "caffeine buzz or a "hangover truly" don't appeal to me. My eyes are clearer, my skin is better and I definitely feel better off coffee, tea and alcohol.

So, where am I now?

Trying to regroup.

I'll let you know when I get there. Have a great weekend.

xx cherrygo

Blue skies but a grey heart

Today is not a good day.
Don't get me wrong.
The sun is shining.
The Sky is a cobalt blue.
Ireland, in fact, appears to glimmer and shimmer
The Autumn leaves starting to appear
In fact the sky is so blue, some people are wondering where the sky has gone: A man rang a DJ on Ian Dempsey's radio show this morning saying his son (who is 2) asked him "where's the sky gone Dad?" So used had he become to our rainy grey skies over the Summer - he didn't recognise the blue sky.

But I just feel empty. And to top it all, I've a sore throat and the starting of a cold. I kept saying to my partner last night, I feel like I've broken up with someone. And he very accurately and ironically said "yes, you broke up with our three embryos". He kissed me and then stroked my head as if I was his child. He is, at the moment, my rock.

I, on the other hand, am trying to get "out" of "this". "This" being no-man's land. "This" being a feeling of disappointment. "This" being a lot of questions constantly being asked in my head.

I want to go back to enjoying all that I have and should be grateful for. One of the things my partner says attracted me to him is my positivity. But I can't seem to find it at the moment. But it does come back - I know that - as it's done that before.

Guess I can't be hard on myself - it's not even 3 days yet.

So we're expecting 24 degrees for the next few days.

And I'm off to a wedding on Friday in Northern Ireland in Galgorm Manor House and Spa (lots of awards for its spa). My partner is groomsman and I am, of course, playing harp again. This time, I'm singing "you raise me up". Alison has a string quarter aswell, so I get to play with them (This has always been a lifelong dream). I just hope I don't get all emotional singing the song. I'm also playing harp just before the dinner. Alison, the girl who is getting married has offered me a spa treatment for doing the music, but I've not accepted. I should really take her up on her offer.

So, for me, for now, I'm just going through the motions.
Getting through the day.
A least the sun is shining.
I'll go for a walk at lunchtime, put on my shades, listen to some music and be thankful that I get to enjoy this day and am alive and healthy.
I have a lot to be thankful for. I just have to keep reminding myself.

Getting back into the saddle (or *trying* to)

How many thoughts a day go through my mind? I reckon since the 42hours since this IVF failure -billions of questions and answers flow through my head throughout the day. Everyday I'm looking for the holy grail. That one fact that will put it all into place. In fact, it feels like a week since my HPT and my negative result from IVF #1.

My good friend is having a "Women's Support Group" (with group manifestations for what we want) tonight - but I'm fearful of going as I know I'll probably start bawling my eyes out. She knows about the IVF but everyone else there doesn't and I don't feel the need to share it with everyone. I think it would be hard to be there and pretend to be upbeat and positive. I'm also ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I just know I'd end up in tears....and I'm trying to avoid them.
Step away from the tears....As they'll truly get me nowhere except baggy eyes and dark circles!

In the meantime, I'm just spotting with little cramps on either side. I told my partner today, I'm happy about AF coming - it means my cycle is "right on time" despite all the meds. It means that my reproductive system is working fine and getting back into the saddle - so that's always a good thing.

This month I've warned him (jokingly of course) he better watch out for me in the middle of the night - because I'll be taking advantage of him at every opportunity! We're going the "au natural" route whilst I'm on this mandatory month's break to clear out my system. So I'll be filling myself with his little swimmers at every opportunity! I'm actually looking forward to not doing any drugs this month. I'm looking forward to glorious unprotected sex - as many times as I like! I'm looking forward to just being a woman with needs and not a woman preparing for motherhood and pregnancy. Bring on that sexy woman.

The clinic tell me today they'll probably do my frozen embryo transfer (FET) in November. I'll start on the pill in October! I so hate the pill! Anyhow, with 70% thawing rate, the nurse reckons two out of my three snowbabies could make it. It's a risk.

If it doesn't work, we'll be going for IVF #2.

The FET cycle also includes that "snoop sniffer dog" (suprecur nasal spray) that I despise! Oh Lovely. Sniffs of lovely acid! Bring it on!

So here I am, not even 48 hours after my Big fat negative and
- And I'm planning the next cycle,
- And I've deferred my Masters Degree final semester until 2010
and
- And I've managed to catch up on all my work since I've been on my break.
- And I made a hair appointment at the Aveda Salon to get my tresses looking fab for the wedding this weekend (Another wedding where I'll be playing the harp again)
- And I've got my natural cycle with my partner all planned.

That's us

Women - Get up, dust off and get back in the saddle.

I'm in the saddle alright, but I can't help feeling like I've broken up with someone.

It's just a matter of time.

xx cherrygo.

*Trying* to keep the tears at bay

Well I'm doing all the right things - working hard to keep my mind off it - keeping busy in the evening with lots of people around - so I don't self pity too much. This morning driving into work I cried for a little bit - for once the sun was shining and it made me cry. It made me wish for the summer again. I know I'm positive and upbeat but I guess I have to go through this fog for a little bit to find the sunshine again in myself. I understand it's the drugs and the hormones and the PMT as I wait on AF to arrive. My parents are really supportive and are rallying around me. My partner has already moved on. He says it's the only way he can cope - he's onto the next cycle and planning on getting the money together for that. So practical and logical. As for me, I'm in the teary-eyed, ready to cry at the drop of a hat phase. It's so much easier for men to move on. They really can detach. I'm in the feelings, emotions and "What if's" space.

What if it doesn't happen for me? What if IVF #2 fails again?
What if I can't get myself out of this space?
What if I've left it too late?
Perhaps this IVF is a waste of time - success for some and failure for many.

I know I need to replace it with being grateful for what I have:
- A great partner
- A lovely family who support me financially in this quest as well as emotionally
- The knowledge that Life went on before this and can go on after this
- You can only do what you can
- You can't punish yourself for it failing - it's not your fault
- You have to *TRY*

But somehow those negatives are winning the battle at present. So every time I think a negative I force myself to think a positive.

Oh if only there was a cure to take, a pill to administer or a procedure to follow.

I don't want to make this "trying to conceive" the cornerpiece of my life and become totally focused on it - but I guess when you've been injecting twice a day, eating healthily and trying to make this IVF as much of a success as you can - it does become a major part of your life. Work is hard and trying to *look* as if everything is normal. I'm doing my very best. And that's all I can do - for the moment.

No heart to blog

Hi,

Well I've been on two weeks vacation time - and my laptop blew up in a puff of smoke. Hence my absence from all things electronic and online. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it? How am I? Well could be better. I'll fill you everything now.

My partner and I had a nice break last week in the wilds of Lovely Leitrim. It rained a lot but somehow this added to the mystical ambience. We stayed in two and a half castles - Kilronon Castle (www.kilronancastle.ie) and Lough Rynn Castle http://loughrynncastle.ie - both fantastic spots and five star hotels at a great price.

I'm kind of harbouring on about trivialities as other news has been happening.

I got through the 2 week wait with little or no bother. Although last week I had some brown spotting and this continued over the weekend. My Partner and I felt it was either A) the drugs ( progesterone and estrogen) 2) implantation bleeding or 3) detachment of embryos. I must admit my boobs have been pretty sore - suffice to say they were tingling all last week during the night.

Anyhow, I was scheduled to do my home pregnancy test yesterday. As this was my first day back at work, I felt doing it that morning before work, could make my first day back a nightmare, so my partner and I waited until late yesterday evening. I waited until I had enough liquid to fill an old mug and we dipped the stick into it. We waited and waited for that prerequisite second line - but it never appeared. I was kind of in shock and I guess I'm still kind of in shock. A Big fat Negative after six weeks of injecting, watching foods, drinking lots of water, lots of positive thinking with sprinklings of the secret and visualisations.

All to no avail.

3 grade 1, 8 cell embryos transferred and lost somewhere in the bermuda triangle of my uterus - destined for outer space of my womb, never to implant.

It made me feel pretty crappy last night. I don't feel disappointed - just empty. Just like I thought I had won the lotto and suddenly the ticket's been taken away. I'm staying away from all forums as I really don't want the sympathy vote.
I don't want anyone to commiserate with me.
I feel it enough.

So back to the drawing board - 2 IUI's and IVFs and 10,000 euros down later. Needless to say I went to my account today and I'm overdrawn to the hilt - 10 more days before payday. Thank God for my partner - otherwise I'd be starving or using my credit card to eat. I'm trying to stay on the positive side - great friends, fab partner, good talents and my health. I'd crawl into a hole and feel sorry for myself for a day or two (if I could) - but unfortunately my job beckons and I'm doing my best to maintain a semblance of normality - singing to defy my inner sadness, smiling at everyone in the office to keep up the mask - when inside a sense of gloom - which I know will pass as soon as my friend Aunt Flow arrives. Just waiting on her now.
Come on my friend - you know you want to.

Cherrygo

Take comfort in just doing your best. Currently in Relax mode!

top of the blog to you all! Well I write to you from my bed. I've pretty much been in bed since Monday - though I've been up and down and up and down for showers, meals etc., but mostly I've been here relaxing and doing my visualisation CD. There appears to be some debate on whether bed rest is needed for implantation or not. I'm on the fence, but I guess after all the drugs in your body, it makes sense to sit back and relax for a few days. Allow your body to welcome the embryos and heal and I suppose relax. So this makes sense I guess! I've been here in my mams house getting meals cooked and bedside treatment! So nice! So I've no complaints at all. I'm not worried about this two week wait or allowing it to be a roller coaster of emotions. All I can do is my best and thats what I am doing!!

Putting it back in - 3 embryos safe and sound and back with mammy!

Well here I am post transfer - it's late at night and I can't sleep. Woke up with cramps and then got up and have been typing ever since. So - a little bit about today - Firstly, I went to visit my sister and her new baby in hospital. My mam joked that this will be me in a few months time. I've decided as my partner is really busy to stay with my mam in the 3/4 days post transfer to avail of mammy dinners and get lots of tlc!! So anyhow I was there with my sister and suddenly realised I needed to drink at least 2 litres of water before my transfer - they insist on a full bladder. Apparently this pushes up the uterus and helps the whole procedure. So I start drinking like crazy. Then it turns out, my appointment is one hour late. I'm sitting in the waiting room reading magazines but so excrutiately bursting to go to the loo, it's not funny. When they finally call me into the theatre, I'm seriously ready to burst. The nurse asks me if I'd like to go a little bit - but I decide against that as a little bit would just mean opening the floodgates and this little dam was about to give way! She asks me will I last another 20 minutes? And I nod, afraid to sit down or laugh or do anything. When I get into theatre, they go through my embryos which have been selected for transfer - they have decided that 3 is the number - although they are all of top quality (or grade as they call it). The embryologist says that they've done really really well. I'm kind of surprised as the doctor had said 2, if the quality was good, but I guess they feel it might increase my chances. So I trust them. Anyhow, I get to see my exploding bladder and uterus on the scan screen! "wow" says the nurse, your bladder is huge! The whole procedure was so uncomfortable although not too bad as I had gone through 2 iui's and had known what to expect. The transfer is really like a smear - with a full bladder! lol.

So went back home and have now been in bed all day, watched videos and had some mammy home cooking. What more can a girl ask for. I feel sorry for my partner who worked until 10pm tonight. The expression "make hay while the sun shines" actually did from the reality that farmers have to live with and my partner is literally there doing that. If they can get two good days without rain, they can finally get some food for the animals in this Winter. They've been waiting all Summer for this! Well folks, I'm going to go and try and get some rest. It being almost 4am in the morning. Positive thinking and sticky vibes - lets hope my little embies are floating peacefully towards their beds for some rest. xxx cherrygo

One day post egg retrieval

Well I'm sore that's for sure. I definitely know there was something poking about my ovaries - feels like they were in a rugby scrum! The Embyrologist told us to expect a call between 4 and 7 pm today. It's morning time here and my partner made me a lovely Irish breakfast (sausages, pudding, tomato, bacon and mushrooms). I get back into bed as I'm still nauseous from sedative yesterday. So sitting here in bed watching the TV. Made my partner watch "the Secret" last night but he stopped it after 20 minutes - as I think it's too "touchyfeely" for him! But as a firm believer in it - I made myself watch it this morning aswell.

So anyhow, this morning just as I'm watching the secret - asking the universe for my embies - the embryologist calls. Of course, because I was not expecting a call until 4pm later today and it being only 10.15am, I thought it was perhaps bad news! So I say to myself - no matter what the news is, I'm going to be happy; I won't cry; i will be strong; I will answer with a smile and close the conversation with a smile. So I confirm my date of birth and then she tells me that I have 6 fertilised eggs. My partner was really worried as he said there wasn't much of his juices in his semen collection, following him having to relieve himself in the field! lol....I breathe a sigh of relief! I'm so happy and tell her thanks so much for looking after them - it is really appreciated. Well, I could almost see the smile in her voice: I'm guessing she probably has to make a lot of hard phone calls with emotional outbursts. So I wanted her to feel appreciated. So anyhow, this is good news! They are all doing fine which means one part of the hurdle over. This means - my eggs and my partners sperms are doing fine - I was always a little worried about this. Truth be known. Till tomorrow. yours in sore ovaries! Cherrygo!

Egg Retrieval - How many Mini Mes

Well I've continued to be unwell and nauseous, somehow I think the pregnyl, hcg shot didnt' go down well with my digestive system. I felt so dizzy - I would liken it to being on the ocean, seasick! Went home and my partner cooked me a lovely dinner - we both went to lie down on the bed - him in sympathy with me - he fully clothed and me in my trekkies (track suit). He rubbed my hair and told me to relax and forget about the nauseous symptions. Next thing I know, I woke up at 3am in the morning. We had fallen asleep. The next morning, I wake up bright and breezy and suitably "starved" for my egg retrieval (ER). My partner drives me there and we are like kids having a fun time. Somehow, I was not worried about the eggs, I felt it would all be fine.

So, we arrive into the clinic and I'm gowned up. H thinks I look good in it - blue is your colour, he says. Then starts to get all jiggy and asks have I ever done it in a clinic? hehehe...he is wicked. My partner and I then have to sign a lot of forms. We felt like we were making a will! I think EU law is quite protective of embryos. He signs over all embryos to me in the event we split up - he says "ah sure, what would I need with them yokes?" Then the embryogolist came in and took out photos - which I'm guessing will be on all the test tubes, petrie dishes of our mini-us's! So anyhow, I go into the OR and they give me my sedation shot and I'm chatting away with the doctor, telling him that it takes a lot of sedation to get me asleep. I'm having a lovely long conversation and the nurse is asking me a lot of questions. Next thing I know - I wake up from a lovely dozey sleep. Obviously it doesn't take that much sedative to get me down! You really feel great in la-la land. Nothing matters except that restful relaxing feeling you have. I figured it was all over. It took me about 5 minutes to wake up and then the nurse came into me - to tell me that they got 10 mature mini-mes. So then, I just have to wait on the fertilisation report now, They tell me that I'll hear from them tomorrow between 4 and 7pm. Don't worry if I don't hear from them until late!

I kept joking to my partner - get those spermie pick axes out, it's time to work! He was a bit worried about sperm quality as he hasn't quite had the 3 day abstention - as the nurse told him 5 days was too long a period, so he had to "tend" to himself on Wed out with the sheeps and cows in the field! That would have made a funny sight! I'm sure he was behind a bush or something! hehehe..

He said he'd be very upset if this doesn't work - but I said - have the pity party for the week - we'll pick ourselves off, dust ourselves up and move on. Life throws stuff at us and how we deal with it can make it really difficult, or easier. We all can get through bad times - and hiccups on this journey makes us stronger and appreciate that little baby that much more - when it does come. My sister had a baby boy today. He was nine pounds. I was a bit peeved I couldn't go into hospital to see her today, but the clinic and my partner insisted that I go straight home.

He was really sweet, cooked me fresh vegetable soup (picked from his vegetable garden) and put me to bed. I could get used to this. So I've no complaints - I said to him this morning - thanks for going on this journey with me...and I felt really closer to him. They say IVF can push you apart sometimes, but not in our instance. Mostly I've slept all day and got lots of rest! The body needs it after all these drugs!

Ready to snap, crackle and pop!

Well I feel like I'm ready to pop! Eight days of stimms and my follies are all ready I think - all 14 of them. My left hand side feels like it's been in a boxing match and my right side keeps cramping.

At the moment, I look like I've hurt my leg - as I'm limping along! So hard to keep looking normal at work. So I stayed up last night to trigger at midnight - mixed one vile of water with two powder ampoules of pregnyl, did the injection and then found I couldn't sleep! Does pregnyl have caffeine in it without the buzz?!! So I'm pretty nauseous and tired today and quite heartburny? Actually do I sound like I'm complaining? I really don't want to complain as I'm really happy that my response to the stimulation drugs is good - that i have plenty of follicles and hopefully tomorrow I'll get a good few eggs with which to work with! All very exciting to think that little parts of me and my partner will be meeting for the first time in a petrie dish. They do say that sometimes, the egg doesn't like the scent of the sperms and often won't let them in? I wonder will my eggs like my partners spermies or will they give them the brush-off!! Oh, would love to be a fly on the wall for that incubator! So today, I'm just going to chill and have an early night. The last couple of days have flown and as of one more hour I'm on my official vacation time!! This time tomorrow I will have popped my little eggies! Fingers and toes crossed that we get good quality eggs. I think we will.

Funny, I don't feel like I'm on holidays - perhaps because it has not sunk in yet. Only when I'm lying in my bed on Sat morning until whatever time, will I feel like its a vacation. I have an early start tomorrow for ER and will be fasting from midnight tonight. So it'll be a long day tomorrow before I eat - probably the afternoon.

Well folks wish me luck and I'll keep you posted on how many mini-mes are retrieved!
best always

Cherrygo

CD4 and Bruise Central

Well it's officially the weekend again. I'm on CD4 of my injections today. It's all going fine - a few little twinges and a bruise from the first day. I'm taking Arnica to stop the bruises though as I develop these lovely coloured ones! Talk about colours of the rainbow. Mind you the tummy is starting to look a little bloated - look like I've been on a bender of beer and pretzels for the last two weeks!! I can safely say I haven't - but sure I may as well get used to the fat belly! lol. It's part of the uniform!

Had a nice night last night - got home early from work and went for a brisk walk down by the sea for about an hour - then came home and cooked some roasted veg and some fish. Then watched some girlies sex and the city - it was the episode of the baby shower and Carrie's period is late! I never tire of this series - it always makes me laugh.

I had to call the clinic this morning as I wasn't sure if I had to continue the Buserelin (nasal spray) as I am doing the injections? I think I have to, but I'm not sure. Felt some little tenderness down there so I'm presuming those follicles are growing. No other side effects of symptoms to report. Mind you I did have a good dream last night - dreamt about these waves that nearly drowned me - actually they were tsunamis. Maybe I need a vacation! Thats what my subconscious is trying to tell me. According to Carl Jung, a tsunami dream is very significant. It is one of those great “archetypal” dreams, meaning symbols which are universal across all cultures. A tsunami is supposed to be a symbol of some great spiritual change, the washing away of the old and the beginnings of new growth.

I think this kind of ties in with my using "the Secret". Every day I'm thanking for what I have - everyday I'm trying to be kind and giving to my fellow co-workers. Although I used to try and do this sometimes, now everyday, I'm trying to do it. So anyway readers, here's to new beginnings!

Bland Lasagna...;-(

Well last night was uneventful - cooked lasagna for my partner (who told me it was quite bland! Men!). Well I enjoyed it anyhow and am having some leftovers for lunch! He mowed the lawn, we watched the news and by 9.30 was ready for bed.

So we got our injections ready and I was surprised how long it took for 450 iui of the puregon to go in (about 20 seconds or more of depressing the needle). My partner did the prepping of the needles and I did the injections. Nothing like a bit of teamwork. Anyhow, feel fine this morning although I've read about some people who say that Luveris gives you very vivid dreams. So I'm looking forward to that! Otherwise I'm at a loss about how many days I'll be stimming (stimulating my ovaries). Already starting to feel little twinges down there! I think the ultimate aim is to have as many follicles as possible - because this means more eggs. I think the more eggs they get, the better!

I find this so exciting, just the thought that life begins in this dish in the lab. It is so amazing this us humans with all this energy and capability start from such tiny cells. God really knew what he was doing! Started on the baby aspirin and feel pretty good I must admit. So far it's all been so good!

CD 1 - The Road to IVF BEGINS!!!

Well went in for my scan today and my lining is 3mm - perfect they say for me to start my meds! I'm now officially on the road for IVF! I've been *trying* to do "the secret" - which is believing and preparing for this baby and making yourself ready to receive it. Sometimes its hard, sometimes its easy. I make sure I feel happy and content and know that my baby is on its way. Its not for me to know how or when - but he/she is coming. I have faith!

I must admit, I went into the clinic this morning smiling and when I was 35 minutes waiting on my appointment - I was as chilled out as a Frozen margarita. So there's something in this positive thinking of The Secret! When the nurse scanned me - so had a trainee nurse with her. I always make sure I smile and set the trainees at ease. Can't be that easy looking at women ALL DAY!! lol. She went through the medication with me and when I said my Puregon injection was missing from the medication parcel, she proceeded to give me hers she uses for demonstration! This saved me a trip to the pharmacy! This just shows you what a little smile and a nice sense of happiness can do for people's moods! It's contagious!! Try it folks - just when you are feeling down, sing "zippity doo da" or some silly song. Then force yourself to smile and be happy with what you have in life. This morning heading into the clinic I looked like someone who has just won the Lottery! It really works and puts everyone else in good form!

Got a call from the Irish Times today, one of their music journalists wants to interview me! So I've put together a response. The article is all about traditional Irish music and the role it should play in our economic recession (if any) It is nice to be asked and it will be interesting to see if my comments are used.

Well folks, I'm pretty tired today and I expect a long long walk on the pier this evening along with early bed time!! See ya'll tomorrow as I'm starting my stimulation phase. I find it all really exciting! I meant to say, my bruises on my hand and arm from the acupuncture still haven't faded? They look pretty bad. My Partner was telling everyone we had a boxing match! hehehe.....I think I fell in love with him again at the wedding. Sssh don't tell him!

An Irish Wedding

Well folks, drove down Friday night to Kilkenny for my friend's wedding.
I managed to get my outfit together aswell as buy my partner a nice Garmin Satnav for his birthday. He turned 34 on Sat. I wore a cream and black dress with fuschia pink silk bolero, fuschia bag and fuschia shoes. It was colourful and very comfy- except the shoes. Woh is me, they seriously killed my feet all day and the hummed to me that night when I got into bed.

The day of the wedding was a lovely warm day, thanks be to God. I arrived at the church early to set up and TUNE the harp. They're kind of temperamental things as I mentioned in a post previous. I was there about one hour before the bride was expected so that I had enough time to run through the programme.

Then the musicians arrived in and I made sure we ran through the bridal march and the music programme. The combination of instruments was very unusual, harp (me), guitar and uileann (pronounced ill-in) pipes. The uileann pipes are really primal and sound like almost part of the stones, heather and Irish landscape. They have such a unique sound - if you've not heard them before, think the scottish bagpipes with a "softer" like droney feel!

The bride looked absolutely beautiful, it must be said. Her dress glistened with the beadwork and she was tall, radiant and statuesque. During the ceremony, the musicians ran out of songs, so on the spur of the moment, I decided to do "She moves through the Fair" with the harp. You can have a listen to this on www.myspace.com/siobhanwarfied. I was quite nervous, but I was told that my rendition was a "hairs stood up on their back of their necks" one. This is always the ultimate compliment to any musician, I was so happy just to be part of the ceremony and to help make my friends' wedding! The church part was over by 3pm and by 3.30pm we were sitting on the banks of the riverfront hotel in Kilkenny with the scenic backdrop of Kilkenny castle overlooking us.

I decided to bite the bullet and have a glass of champagne. Well if I'm gonna have a drink it may as well be expensive! I only allow myself one. After one little glass I felt giddy and exhilerated. My partner looked so handsome with his navy pinstriped Ted Baker suit, blue shirt and pink silk tie. He and I *tried* our best to do some Irish dancing during the night. My partner is pretty much two left feet and we had a lot of fun attempting "the Siege of Ennis" - an old Irish set dance. Just visualise dancing like "swing your partner round, one two three!! and you'll get the idea of what set dancing is like" You could definitely get fit with Irish dancing - as we sweated profusely after only one set! The night came to an end at about 2.30am. I was pretty tired as its hard when everyone else is well jarred (Irishf for having a lot to drink) and you are on your 15th Sparkling water!! By the end of the night, one of my partner's friends tried to force me have a real drink, so I gave in and had a Baileys. I'm guessing that one glass of champers and one Baileys won't interfere with my baby making eggs too much!! All in all, I'm feeling pretty darn good and positive at the moment! My Aunt flow was a-flowing profusely - which is good as my lining is thinning as we speak. I almost forget my sniffer dog nasal spray and quickly made sure before I hit the bed to get some dosage in. Good night folks, Till tomorrow!

Well Top of the morning to you! The sun is shining the sky is blue and I feel fine! - Yippee! Last night myself and my partner went to the races. We were invited as guests of our national broadcaster in Ireland http://www.rte.ie/. One of my class mates from my Masters in Marketing invited me along as he works in the online end of things and we will hopefully swing some business his way soon. They really put on a good spread - free bar all night (of course I don't drink anymore since I am TTC - been a teetotaller since January 2009). There was a Summer buffet with all you can eat ( had two mini tiramasu) and finally they gave us 20 euros of complimentary bets along with a professional tipster. It was fun!

I got off to a good start when Race 1 - Lillie Langtry came in for me with a win. Then Race 2 - I was on a roll as Slieve Mish, my next bet, came in first place aswell. In the meantime, my partner is losing everything! Then on Race 3 - when I placed a winner - I decided to get out - 30 euros up. Of course, men just don't know when to hold em and fold em and my partner, kept going for the next race, hoping for a win and losing it all!

Got home early after watching the Coronas (Irish band) play. When we got home, I packed all my clothes for the wedding as we are driving straight to Kilkenny from work this evening. I'm looking forward to it - although playing a the harp at the wedding - We're staying at a nice 4 star boutique hotel tonight for 89 euros and tomorrow at the wedding hotel which is pricey (170 euros)

I'm a little nervous about the harp.... It is an extra burden making sure its in tune, and then hoping it stays in tune (because when you move it anywhere - it gets all temperamental and moody and doesn't like extremes hot or cold! I remember one time doing a show with my band www.myspace.com/gaelslimusic in a cave in Germany called balve hohle http://www.balver-hoehle.de/ and the harp just kept dropping out of tune. The cave was soooo cold!!

But a fantastic backdrop to do a show! A natural amphitheatre. It will remain in my memory. It was so nerve wracking! Anyhow, the weather is supposed to be fab this weekend so I'm happy for my friends to get some nice weather in which to get married! Nothing beats a good ole Irish wedding.

So this morning called the clinic and told them my Aunt flo is now making a proper appearance and I've to book a scan on Monday morning to decide if I'm starting on the IVF meds. Fingers crossed. I feel pretty good at present - I mean the Suprecur nasal spray was supposed to make me go through the mini menopause or "mini-meno" as I've been calling it affectionately. But not a sausage. I feel pretty darn good!!! Mind over matter! The birth control pill was the hardest as it made me feel nauseous.

I meant to say since I watched "the Secret" on Monday, I've been doing some of the visualisations and exercises. This month, I'm absolutely broke what with - fertility treatment costs, meds, car insurance, car tax and my partners birthday present - all coming at once. Also our income taxes have been increased in Ireland and my take home pay is rapidly dissipating! My overdraft is pushed to the limit! Anyhow, there I am on my final 10 euros which I've to last on until 20th August. Then the following morning I get my first gift of money - my job are going to refund me my first year's masters course costs in my next paycheck! Yippee! I also let out a house for a friend and got 700 dollars cheque! "The secret" talks about this about how money can come to you if you just visualise it. But of course, you have to put the work in!

Now here's hoping this baby (or babies!) is on the way - making its(their) way towards me!
So anyhow, time to go and wish everyone a fantastic weekend! Do something lovely - go for a nice walk, nourish your soul!

Lotsa love Cherrygo!

Aunt Flo is late for a v. important date!

Well officially I'm not starting my ivf cycle yet. Got a call from my very friendly nurse to tell me that my estradiol is still too high and my lining too thick. In fact, I'm still waiting on my Aunt Flo to arrive. She is seriously late for her appointment now. This girl is keeping me waiting!
Obstinate just like my baby of the future! A headstrong little MISS!

This morning got up bright and breezy for my acupuncture appointment - the fact the morning was really bright and sunny helped immensely. Anyhow, I arrive in and tell my acupuncturist about the fact that my period is failing to show and that I can't start stimulation until then. She immediately states she will do her best to make it arrive, In fact the treatment session is really painful. I found the points that she stimulated very sensitive. Both points between my thumb and my fingers are extremely sore to touch after the acupuncture. In fact as I type this, it is hard to type and my left thumb area is all swollen with fluid. Now I'm not sure if anyone else has experienced such a reaction to acupuncture - but this is certainly the first time for me. My acupuncturist just said I was really sensitive - but I'm starting to have doubts about this treatment - it is certainly NOT relaxing. Perhaps 5 elements is not for me. And I'm paying 105 euro per session for this! I might have to rethink. In the meantime, Aunt flow still isn't arriving all day. She is cramping slightly - but nothing too effecting.

Well last night I had two friends around - it was a lovely evening. I'm making a distinct effort to hang out with friends.

I cooked a nice veggie curry with wild rice and brown rice and some spinach salad with blueberry vinagrette. Then the piece de la resistance was my bread and butter pudding (old Irish recipe) and it was piping hot with melting ice cream and fresh raspberries. The whole thing went swimmingly well. In fact, I think I might give Gordon Ramsey a run for his money...and I even sometimes curse as much as him! It was good to catch up and go for a walk down the pier and just relax. Got to bed quite late and watched an episode of SATC (Sex and the city). Seriously, girls - I never tire of this programme. I've probably seen some episodes 3/4 times and I still get a giggle. Classic. Well folks, tonight I'm practicing my harp and yes, dying my hair....I know its a NO-NO, but I'm using a natural dye from naturtint. I just can't stand the greys! Salt n pepper is just not a good look on me! So that's me in a nutshell. Oh yes and I intend to walk the pier and watch the tide go in and out to the sounds of my ipod. Catch you later

The long holiday weekend has come and gone. Why oh why does time fly when you're having fun! This morning had my CD (cycle day 1) scan. I had stopped taking my birth control pill on friday and found that Aunt Flow is just not arriving. She is simply spotting. She refuses to flow. She is having a hissy fit. So naturally, the scan revealed my lining is a little thick - around 6mm. But they reckon if my estradiol is low enough - they'll start stimulating my ovaries. Otherwise, if AF is still playing difficult, I'm in a holding pattern before I land for a few more days. Yippee!

So we got out bill for IVF - €4950 in total. I noticed they added in 'Assisted Hatching' which was an extra €220.... I asked the girl about this and she said the doctors must feel I need this. Hmmm....would it be something to do with my age? I then had this vision - of a little yellow bird sitting on my eggs on a bed of straw to assist them to hatch.....I must admit it did make me smile.

Spent over 400 euros on our EU bloods. This is so ridiculous - as if IVF is not expensive enough. I mean if the EU want us to take these Hepatitis C tests - why don't they make them FREE? Why should we pay this amount of money for 2 blood tests that mean nothing to us or help with our diagnosis? It makes my blood boil - but EU law is EU law.

Well I'm here back at my desk, just after sniffing my Suprecor Nasal Spray - A colleague asked me what it was I was breathing and I said it was for my sinuses! You gotta be creative when it comes to IVF excuses! Ah I'm becoming very good at little 'white lies' for this IVF. I don't know how many dental appointments I've had or late lunches with friends to meet. This is the hard part, trying to keep your work ticking over whilst you go for scans (without having your boss become suspicious). Of course, it would help stupendously if I was a "lady who lunches". Ah to be supported into the style I was accustomed. My partners thinks I'd be bored if I stepped off the corporate ladder. I think I'd be fine with arts and crafts and coffee mornings and actual time for the gym! I read a book about getting pregnant after 40 and this woman gave up her job...which she says really is the 'only way'. And my friend who lost her job, found that doing DIY around the house and being a chilled out stay at home woman helped her conceive twice....Well unless I win the Lotto - it ain't happening!

Had a lovely weekend - it must be said. Although on Saturday, it was tough. I cleaned my house from top to bottom. You know one of those cleans that takes the entire day (throwing out all the junk etc...) Met two friends that evening for Thai dinner. This friend is also going through the TTC (trying to conceive) phase as well hitting the big 40. She and I have great chats. It really does help to have a friend who you can chat things over with. She is at the 'trying naturally stage' along with acupuncture but is starting to realise this could take 12 months. Sunday - went shopping for a new suit in the Kildare Designer outlets with partner. Well actually I had to go shopping myself as it turns out NONE of my wedding outfits fit me any longer! I mean I've put on half a stone since I started Infertility treatments. That's not a lot of weight - but the area I notice it most is my breasts. My partner, thinks it's great. But well, I'm not too happy as I now approach a C cup! I used to be a lovely "pert" but "curvy" B cup and now becoming a "droopy and "overflowing" C MUG. Argh.....and people pay for THIS with implants! Tried on a lovely Karen Millen dress (200 euros) and my partner liked it. But I felt totally uncomfortable with my two ladies half hanging out saying hello to the male world. Even when I was 25 I never wore low cut tops, so I don't think I'll start now! Maybe when I'm with child - I'll be all earth mother..... and happy to show them off. Anyhow, got a lovely dress for 63 euro reduced from 225. So happy days. The wedding is next weekend and I'm playing harp at it. Gosh, I've hardly done any rehearsal.....and i've loads to rehearse before the church.

Yesterday, was quite chilled out. Went over to a friends house to watch "the Secret" - DVD. Usually this friend has gatherings every 3 months - where we all get inspired. We call it Women's inspiration night. Whether that's for a business idea, read out a passage of an inspiring book, or just to air something that is on your mind - You should try it with a bunch of girls - its great fun. Last time I went, I sang two songs I wrote and someone else talked about her dream to meet the ONE. Everyone is so supportive - it's really great. And some good ideas do come out of these nights. So anyhow, we watched Rhonda Byrnes, "The secret". Feeling very inspired from it, so this morning I downloaded some morning affirmations....from www.thesecret.tv

I think these are from the writings of Charles larson (?) as far as I can remember:-

To be so strong that nothing disturbs my peace of mind
To talk health, happiness, prosperity with everyone I meet
To make all my friends feel there is something worthwhile in all of them
To look on the sunny side of things and make my optimism come true
To think only the best, to work my best and to expect only the best
To be just as enthusiastic for the success of others as myself
To forget the mistakes of the past, press onto the achievements of the future
To wear a cheerful expression at all times, and to give a smile to every living creature I meet
To give so much time to improve myself that I have no time to criticise others
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear and too happy to permit the presence of trouble
To think well of myself and to proclaim this to the world in good deeds to others
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side as long as I am true to the best I can be

Today is the beginning of my life
I am starting over today
I am grateful to be alive
I see beauty all around me
I live with passion and purpose
I take the time to laugh and play every day
I focus on all the good things in life
And give thanks for all of them
I feel the love, the joy and the abundance
I am free to be myself
I am magnificent in human form
I am so grateful to be me

I am going to try and use the Secret as part of my visualisations this month.

1. The Secret says firstly you should ASK the universe.
So I'm doing this I'm ASKING for a child.
2. The second step is to BELIEVE it to have happened.
So act as if it has happened. Focus your thoughts and your language on what it is you want to attract. You want to feel the feeling of really 'knowing' that what you desire is on its way to you, even if you have to trick yourself into believing it – do it. So I'm here imagining this bump is here. Sitting a little away from my computer, because I can't sit that close.

3. The third step is to RECEIVE - Pay attention to your intuitive messages, synchronicities, signs from the Universe to help you along the way as assurance you are on the 'right' path. As you align yourself with the Universe and open yourself up to receiving, the very thing you are wanting to manifest will show up.

So anyhow, that's my weekend in a nutshell. I don't start injections until either tomorrow or maybe the end of the week. Either way, the road to IVF is well and truly begun. Here's to a pothole free trek. Thanks for reading and have a fantastic week!! Today is the beginning of our futures!

Medication - Sniffer nasal Spray

I'm kind of just starting this IVF journey. I'm really only on the first step. I nearly collapsed when they handed me my bag full of meds. Wow! There's a lot of boxes with strange names. I had to get all that into me!

Anyhow, last Sunday I started the nasal spray or as they call it - the Down regulator. Don't even ask me what "down regulation" is - I imagine it's just getting things quietened down - dampening your hormones. Who am I to ask why. In fact I don't want to know too much. I just want to eat healthy, think healthy and be healthy. But did I mention this nasal spray stuff is so uncomfortable. Tastes crap. You would think they'd get some nice tasting lemon nasal spray or chocolate nasal spray or peanut butter nasal spray. Nope this stuff tastes and smells like putrid chemicals. Not only that but talk about headaches from hell! Luckily I don't have the hot sweats. I heard of one friend who went through the change with this! But only thing I feel is tired, dizzy, Naseua (spelling sorry!) and loss of sex drive. Yup, that sexy gal with needs is slowly dwindling....get me off this stuff FAST! lol...

Well this was my last day of the Birth control pill. Seems ironic, that you're trying to get preggers and the docs put you on the pill? Is this a bit of an oxymoron? well must dash home....time to sniff that lovely nasal spray.....it's calling!

Acupuncture

Acupuncture. Sounds like a bad sci-fi movie. Stick needles into body, wait a while, manipulate and body gets well!! You either believe in it or your don't. But I've been told even if you don't believe in it - it STILL works. I found the acupuncture very relaxing especially during IUI # 2. When I researched it a little, I was surprised to find two schools - classical or 5 element acupuncture and the other acupuncture (where they leave the needles in and you lie down for 20 minutes).



I found a 5 element acupuncturist and decided to take a trip. She specialised in all things baby and all things fertility. My first visit, was strange. She asked me all kinds of questions on my life on my TTC journey. Then I had to take my blouse off as she marked points on my spine. I didn't get the same relaxing buzz from 5 element. You sit there on the treatment bed - and needles are inserted into various points and manipulated. Every 5/10 minutes she retakes your pulse to see the effect the needles have on your pulses. The therapist then burnt Moxa on my points (which gets so warm on your skin - you have to shout HOT!) After my first session, I felt tired, drained and lethargic. IN fact, I felt Fluey. My therapist told me it was the toxins coming out of my system. However, they appeared to be coming out of my system all week! For my second session, I was really impressed when she told me (I was a fire element) and that I must have had a chest infection when I was younger. Wow, she could tell this just from my pulses? Could she also tell me the Lotto numbers! lol...Well, I forked over my hard-earned 105 euros (which when I get my tax break works out about 85 euros.) but I must admit the jury is still out on 5 element. There is certainly pain with the 5 element - as she got a point on my wrist and I nearly jumped in pain! So if there is pain, there must be a gain! We shall wait in HOPE!

Of course, my partner thinks its a load of hodge podge. He thinks I'm crazy, what with relaxation tapes, mediatation tapes and supplements. There he is - out in the fields, farming in the fresh air (yes did I mention he is a farmer! Organic sheep and cows). Yup, the day I watched him deliver two lambs, I knew I was in good hands! He simply put his hand in and slide one lamb out and reached for the other and pulled it out. Amazing. All I do for a living is type and write emails and come up with marketing concepts (which don't exactly light up the world). At least he is adding to the world in some way.

Albeit, not getting paid adequately for it. But at least he loves what he does. You see him strutting to through the fields, lord and master of his herd, hair blowing in the wind, dog following loyally behind and you wish for that peace of mind, sense of purpose and absolute love for what you do.

Sometimes, I think you get too wrapped up in this conception journey, so I've been making a special effort to contact friends. Friends who were there before I started to try and make a baby and ones that I've neglected. So I called a good friend who is a massage therapist. I'm kind of psyched as she just got the DVD "the Secret" and we're all going over to watch it for some inspiration. Some people have said to me I have a positivity that is kind of like the secret - but I've never read it, so I'm looking forward to an uplifting night! I'll let you know how we all got on!

Tonight will be relaxing with some music and some nice comforting food. I'm kind of sick of all this healthy fruit and veg. I want something warming like an Irish stew or a shepherds pie...mmmmmmm

Till later....Cherry

IUI Number 2 - Becoming a infertility junkie

I guess I didn't even have the time to think about IUI number 2 as literally number 1 was over and suddenly I had to start the drug protocol on day 1 of my period. Of course, typically the witch (period) arrived on a Sunday and my pharmacy was closed on that day. Panicking I cried and cried when I realised I would be a day late taking my Tamoxifen. I think I was finally letting out the emotions of the failure of IUI 1. The hen party had been great fun. But I had been hiding my true emotions.

I'm a great believer in the good cry. Always get emotions out of you - whether that's disappointment(cry), stress (shout really loud) or happiness (laugh and smile), resentment (forgive your friend/family/work colleague). I read a really good book by Louise Hay (You can heal your body) who states that a lot of our illnesses and body problems are due to our emotions.
So I had a good cry and as I said before, on the Monday going to work, I felt a spring in my step once more.

Anyhow, started the Tamoxifen a day late but things were still progressing fine and dandy when I went in for my Transvaginal scan on my cycle day (CD6). Tamoxifen is another one of those follicle stimulating hormones and really no side effects at all.

Did I tell you about these scans? They're called TV scans in the med world. Yup, smile your uterus is on candid camera!

Nothing really to worry about - except if you get a nurse who is uncannily rough. You basically sit in the stirrups and they insert a penis shaped ultrasound camera which is able to see into your cervix and your ovaries etc., This enables them to see if you are progressing and if the drugs are working the way they want them to. It can be a little uncomfortable and little embarressing -if you are private or shy. But then, if you're having a baby, all dignity will go out the door! Get used to the stirrups! In fact welcome them! Pregnancy I hear will be Stirrup Central.

By about day 6, it was time for me to start my Gonal F pen injection. Fantastic! I loved those injections. Found myself entertaining with a dinner party and running upstairs to inject in true junkie fashion!!

By the second time around, I was a veteran.... This time I didn't feel as much twinges or movements down in my ovaries. In no time, it was IUI numero two and there I was in the stirrups again, waiting on the catheter to inject those spermies inside. You really feel nothing when the catheter is inserted. The first time I kind of felt fluid inside and a warm fuzzy feeling (which made me feel it had worked). But this time nothing. I guess for the entire two week wait (2ww) I felt nothing: no twinges, no pains, no cramps. Of course, it didn't help that I told my partner that his sperm had dwindled somewhat (two stag parties and lots of wild partying had helped obliterate his sperm count down to 10 million). He lost faith when I told him that - "what!" he said - "down to 10 million from 56 million?" Of course, I was truly positive this time around.

I was the Queen of Visualisations:
I saw picture postcards of me and my belly.
MY belly in jeans, in dresses. Stroking my belly
I looked at pregnancy clothes in the shop.
I pictured my face all puffed with pregnancy.
I saw (for some reason 2) kids run into my partners arms.

So I was convinced it worked. I had graduated to an A++ in positive thinking. But here, dear readers, is a somewhat fine line. You should be positive, but tread the tight rope of allowing yourself to also think positive if it does not happen. I'll explain this a little later.

So anyhow I broke down and decided to do the home pregnancy test (HPT) three days before I should have. Needless to say, the walls of my positive thinking and positive visualisation came crashing down around me when I got my negative. I went into a kind of a vaccum. A feeling of being there, but not there? Sure, I went for my walks, met friends, but the positive girl I am and was, had disappeared. Had she disappeared into a puff of infertility drugs smoke? Or was I just experiencing this roller coaster of emotions which many people write about in terms of fertility treatments.

I decided then and there I was going for IVF. It just came to me. Like they say the best ideas do. I needed to know the next piece in the jigsaw puzzle - My eggs. I wanted to know if they could meet with one of my partner's sperm and make an embryo.
Even if it got that far, I could have faith.

When I made up my mind that I was going to dig into my partner's life savings and mine to pay for this - I told him straight away. He was, as usual, solid and supportive - he wanted whatever I wanted. In fact, his birthday is coming up soon and all he wants is you know what? A Big Fat Pregnancy (BFP!)

So the lesson learnt here was always be prepared for both eventualities. I thought about this the other day - If IVF does not happen I'm fine with that. The universe will send me this baby when it's right for me. What that plan is yet - I don't know. Perhaps it is to make me value it more, cherish it more - when it does eventually come. Make me stronger. Make our relationship stronger. Who knows.
But I'm fine either way.
I've made my peace with the plan.
And most of all we've shook hands