Getting back into the saddle (or *trying* to)

How many thoughts a day go through my mind? I reckon since the 42hours since this IVF failure -billions of questions and answers flow through my head throughout the day. Everyday I'm looking for the holy grail. That one fact that will put it all into place. In fact, it feels like a week since my HPT and my negative result from IVF #1.

My good friend is having a "Women's Support Group" (with group manifestations for what we want) tonight - but I'm fearful of going as I know I'll probably start bawling my eyes out. She knows about the IVF but everyone else there doesn't and I don't feel the need to share it with everyone. I think it would be hard to be there and pretend to be upbeat and positive. I'm also ready to cry at the drop of a hat. I just know I'd end up in tears....and I'm trying to avoid them.
Step away from the tears....As they'll truly get me nowhere except baggy eyes and dark circles!

In the meantime, I'm just spotting with little cramps on either side. I told my partner today, I'm happy about AF coming - it means my cycle is "right on time" despite all the meds. It means that my reproductive system is working fine and getting back into the saddle - so that's always a good thing.

This month I've warned him (jokingly of course) he better watch out for me in the middle of the night - because I'll be taking advantage of him at every opportunity! We're going the "au natural" route whilst I'm on this mandatory month's break to clear out my system. So I'll be filling myself with his little swimmers at every opportunity! I'm actually looking forward to not doing any drugs this month. I'm looking forward to glorious unprotected sex - as many times as I like! I'm looking forward to just being a woman with needs and not a woman preparing for motherhood and pregnancy. Bring on that sexy woman.

The clinic tell me today they'll probably do my frozen embryo transfer (FET) in November. I'll start on the pill in October! I so hate the pill! Anyhow, with 70% thawing rate, the nurse reckons two out of my three snowbabies could make it. It's a risk.

If it doesn't work, we'll be going for IVF #2.

The FET cycle also includes that "snoop sniffer dog" (suprecur nasal spray) that I despise! Oh Lovely. Sniffs of lovely acid! Bring it on!

So here I am, not even 48 hours after my Big fat negative and
- And I'm planning the next cycle,
- And I've deferred my Masters Degree final semester until 2010
and
- And I've managed to catch up on all my work since I've been on my break.
- And I made a hair appointment at the Aveda Salon to get my tresses looking fab for the wedding this weekend (Another wedding where I'll be playing the harp again)
- And I've got my natural cycle with my partner all planned.

That's us

Women - Get up, dust off and get back in the saddle.

I'm in the saddle alright, but I can't help feeling like I've broken up with someone.

It's just a matter of time.

xx cherrygo.