Blue skies but a grey heart

Today is not a good day.
Don't get me wrong.
The sun is shining.
The Sky is a cobalt blue.
Ireland, in fact, appears to glimmer and shimmer
The Autumn leaves starting to appear
In fact the sky is so blue, some people are wondering where the sky has gone: A man rang a DJ on Ian Dempsey's radio show this morning saying his son (who is 2) asked him "where's the sky gone Dad?" So used had he become to our rainy grey skies over the Summer - he didn't recognise the blue sky.

But I just feel empty. And to top it all, I've a sore throat and the starting of a cold. I kept saying to my partner last night, I feel like I've broken up with someone. And he very accurately and ironically said "yes, you broke up with our three embryos". He kissed me and then stroked my head as if I was his child. He is, at the moment, my rock.

I, on the other hand, am trying to get "out" of "this". "This" being no-man's land. "This" being a feeling of disappointment. "This" being a lot of questions constantly being asked in my head.

I want to go back to enjoying all that I have and should be grateful for. One of the things my partner says attracted me to him is my positivity. But I can't seem to find it at the moment. But it does come back - I know that - as it's done that before.

Guess I can't be hard on myself - it's not even 3 days yet.

So we're expecting 24 degrees for the next few days.

And I'm off to a wedding on Friday in Northern Ireland in Galgorm Manor House and Spa (lots of awards for its spa). My partner is groomsman and I am, of course, playing harp again. This time, I'm singing "you raise me up". Alison has a string quarter aswell, so I get to play with them (This has always been a lifelong dream). I just hope I don't get all emotional singing the song. I'm also playing harp just before the dinner. Alison, the girl who is getting married has offered me a spa treatment for doing the music, but I've not accepted. I should really take her up on her offer.

So, for me, for now, I'm just going through the motions.
Getting through the day.
A least the sun is shining.
I'll go for a walk at lunchtime, put on my shades, listen to some music and be thankful that I get to enjoy this day and am alive and healthy.
I have a lot to be thankful for. I just have to keep reminding myself.