Health eating for the long haul.

Well I can truly say I don't feel like it happened for us this month. Somehow I think we missed our window of opportunity. We did baby dance all last week except Friday but, made up for it on Sat morning. So that was Monday, tuesday, Wednesday, thursday.

I've been busy unpacking stuff from my old house and getting it ready for letting, that I've not had much chance to think about TTC - too much. That is - until now - as I think it's either happening in my body now, or it's not. There's either a little bean implanting or not. It has either "compacted" and "morulaed" or not. Next Sunday, is my early response testing, so if no double line, I'll start my hormonal suppression injections for my FET. Onwards and upwards onto my 29th ish cycle.

A friend of mine texted me yesterday, she is really upset - she is 40 and they've been trying in earnest to conceive since May. When she started, she was so full of hope and of optimism that it would happen. I think that initially, you think it's going to happen immediately. You think - one night of shenanigans with your husband, boyfriend or partner and bingo - you're up the duff!!

I laugh when I think back to when my partner and I first got together and he was worried as we had used no condom! He tossed and turned as he wasn't ready for a child after four months of dating. I, on the other hand, knew it was day 22 and knew that was no real chance of it happening. But he was really worried.

Then as the time goes on, it starts to dawn on you, it's not as easy as you think to get pregnant.

The more you have to strive - the more you want it.
The more you want it, the more you strive for it.
The more you strive, the more obsessed you become.
Everything around you is pregnancy - you see babies everywhere. You become sensitised.

And of course on our initial journey into trying to conceive - I was so unhealthy: I was binge drinking (lots of wine and alcohol), having lots of cappucinos, lattes and extra stong coffee, skipping meals and eating all the wrong stuff (junk food, chinese takeaways). This, combined with the stress of pursuing a part time masters and day job took its toll on my system.

There was one time, we were in Spain and I had a lot of spotting (around the time of implantation). Of course, I was on holidays and drinking lots of sangria and wine. Then when my period didn't come - I stopped drinking, worried I had ruined the fetus in my drinking sessions. Needless to say, my period came. albeit 3 days late. But as soon as it came, I was back to wine and sangria. This continued into 2008 and still no BFP.

Then last Valentines day, (2009) I started to think about giving up all the bad stuff. I started to believe there is a link between good diet and good eggs. I also started to think - that I need to preserve my fertility - if it's going to take a while to get pregnant. So I wasn't just looking at it short term - I was thinking about this long term. So I gave up the coffee, tea, junk food and replaced it with berries, fruit, vegetables good red meat and lots and lots of water. this is a long term commitment and a lifestyle, not a fad diet in advance of IVF. It has to be a way of life. Of course, it means I'm so much more healthier.

Somehow though, since I've started all this healthy stuff, I don't feel any better? Considering all the sleep, exercise, water and vitamin supplements I take, you would think I'd be as healthy as an ox. But no, I still don't feel fantastic. Last Friday, the acupuncturist said my energy levels were really low and that my digestive system was not working properly. She really hurt me during my session:when she stuck a needle into my hand and my arm, I leapt about in pain. " A blockage" she said as I writhed in agony, "this your problem." It was most definitely my problem as she prescribed me with herbs that cost about 45 euro and they tasted like "smelly feet mixed up with dirty dish water". I thought I was really going to heave taking them. In fact, I wish she could give me them in tablet form as I even dread having to boil them. Oh the price we pay on this fertility trip. She has also made me take my BBT (body basal temperature) every morning. So far I've been one whole degree warmer than my partner. I take mine, then I take his - just to make him feel part of it.

Yet my energy levels are still low, the herbs aren't working. I feel like crap today - tired and headachey yet again.
Maybe it's just age - or maybe it's just the commute to work every day - or maybe I've hit gold.

I'll keep you posted.

Double line says OVARIES ARE GO! Get babydancing!

Good morning or "top of the morning" as they say here.

Well I used the OPK (ovulator predictor kit) last night and guess what - at CD 11 I got the double lines. Clear as day. Two lines telling me my hormones were all crazy. but I guess I knew that already as I definitely felt like a sexy woman again. Today is CD 12. So I guess that means in the next 24 hours I will ovulate. This is kind of weird for me as I thought I probably ovulate around day 14 - but this is now telling me it's earlier. Perhaps this is where we fell down before as I never thought it could be this early!

So anyhow, we baby danced last night and had plans for this morning (but alas alarm went off at 5am and we just couldn't muster the energy). So I guess it will be later on today! woo hoo!. We may as well take advantage of my super hormones. Has anyone ever taken Maca? At the moment, I'm taking it and it's done wonders to my CM as has lots of cups of hot lemon and water. Maca is often called the spanish viagra and I can see why as I'm feeling the need for "you know what". Even my partner can't get over the increased appetite! It doesn't taste fantastic, but hell if it gets me horny enough to get pregnant - I'd eat a whole can of it! hehehe.
I'm really pretty busy in work and I've been drinking my hot lemon and water all day long. I need to find a new herbal tea as I'm pepperminted out and I can't stand camomile. Well folks, nothing else to report except myself and the partner are painting the house and hoping to have it looking really nice for Christmas. Can't believe I just said that - Christmas! Flights are only 340 dollars including taxes to the US and we were thinking if I'm not preg, that we may go before Christmas to Boston and visit my partners sister who lives in CT. Sure we'll see what happens. I think we may think about getting a ring there. Whoo hoo, could he be making an honest women out of me??!

I'll keep you posted.

xx Cherrygo

CD10 and I'm a sexy women with needs!

I had a nice but stressful weekend. I managed to "let" my house as myself and my partner decided to not sell it - as the market is too depressed and it's not worth letting the house go for less. I put the ad in on Friday and by Saturday I had tenants! Pretty good work. My partner's mom and dad had their 50th wedding anniversary - wow I joked with my partner - we'll be 90 by the time we get to celebrate that - well sorry - I'll be 90 and he'll be 83! I know it sounds like a long time away - but I think that when we view how quickly time went this year - just multiply that by 50 and see how fast your life flies. Enjoy every minute, even if it is stuck at your desk in work - like me ;-(. One of these days, I'll finish my book and not have to be in an office. So here we are again, I'm heading back into fertile territory - it's CD 10 (I think) and for some reason, I always feel hopeful now and I also feel the best of myself at this time of the month. Yup, even the ole libido starts on the upward track. I want "it" and don't have to convince myself I want "it". I'm a walking hormone with needs! I have been getting little twinges in the ovary area - so things are happening. Anyhow, we'll go again - you have to keep trying. And god knows I am a trier.

Those who succeed know the pain of failure and the strength of determination.

Love cherrygo

Stop the post mortems....

I can't stop analysing last month for some reason.

As I'm here in work - I'm constantly looking back at my symptoms that I had last month - the classic preg symptoms: the sore aching boobs, the gassiness, the tiredness and the headaches and the cramping well over a week before my period was due. I even joked with my DP about my gas! My friend said I need to take heart from it as it means I'm getting closer to my goal. But I can't help thinking perhaps I shouldn't have been lifting heavy furniture, doing lots of housework etc., the Sunday before my AF was due. Would it now be different?

But I have to stop the "what ifs" and take heart in the fact that possibly, quite possibly I had a pregnancy within my grasp. Thats the positive.

This thing is starting to consume me and I really need to just let it go now. I need to just forget about it and stop the post mortems.

What is meant to be will be.

Sorry, readers, I'm just thinking out loud my emotional journey here - it's a like a talk-back between my positive and my negative side.

Whose winning?
I'll keep you posted.
Love Cherrygo

Things can only get better

Yesterday was a hard day.

Don't ask me why - but everything got on top of me in work - I was so stressed with so much to do and so many people pulling out of me - all wanting different things at different times.
So I was just so headachey by the time the day ended - I just felt like screaming out really loud.

When I finally got home - I lay down on the bed and had a little cry. The four walls started to close on me. I called my dear partner and he was worried about why I was so down. He felt like I was having a nervous breakdown or something as he couldn't understand why I was so upset after a stressful day. But well when you add together - Moving house, trying to let out house to tenants, renting out my fathers apartment for him, moving my furniture and all my personal items, as well as doing my day job - well all of this is enough to send any one screwy. Also, to compound to the stress, my AF has been here for 6 days. Talk about heavy and flowing like a river. Mine has stayed bright red throughout - not a normal period for me at all. So now I'm at CD6 and still bright red AF. So I don't know why I had a little cry - perhaps it's my hormones?

Perhaps I just had a bad day.

Who knows.

As they say, things can only get better.

Throw caution to the wind.

Well it's been a few days. The song goes "what a difference a day makes" and it certainly does. Whilst I'm not over the moon and brimming with positivity - I have dusted myself off and picked myself up. This AF has been really heavy - so heavy that I haemorrhaged on Sunday night and in work on Monday morning (right through all my clothes onto my chair in the office)- which makes me think this was definitely an embie that tried to take, but didn't - hence how late my period was and hence the positive opk - which duly turned negative.

It's CD5 now, (and AF is still here) and I'm starting to feel things grow inside again - little shoots of follicles starting to awaken to another cycle. Since I started the infertility treatments, I feel these twinges more so than I ever do before. When I'm feeling doubtful and negative - I keep repeating to myself "I can get pregnant, I can get pregnant!" rather than "why can't i get pregnant?" I'm doing my best to support myself. I haven't been able to go online as sometimes you just need to support yourself and get yourself back to a position of strength. In the IF rollercoaster, it's not the drugs or the procedures, it's the emotions: The hope, the energy and the strength needed for each cycle. Sometimes, this hope can really let you down and make you feel twice as worse - for if you hadn't been hopeful you would not be as down now. Ironic really isn't that - that hope can bring you down?

So I'm not sure where I really am emotionally at present - No-man's land. Not happy. Not sad. Not anything - just getting on with it.

Last weekend I minded my 2 year old nephew for a few hours and it thankfully got my mind off everything - albeit for a few hours.

So I'm trying to keep busy to just forget about that whole thing and pretend I'm 30 again and just throwing caution to the wind and having fun.

Yours Cherrygo

BFN, BFN and now onto FET

I'm so sorry I did that OPK with the positive two lines and it looked like Hcg in my system. I have a funny feeling it could have been a chemical pregnancy as they say it does then arrive late (mine was 4 days late) and by Friday my hcg was negative from the doc's office. A week prior to that I had the sore boobs and the tingling of the nipples. Both in my IVF cycle and in the last natural cycle, I developed sore throats and I'm convinced it's an immune system thing. My body does not WANT to take the embryos.

Ah well, the hardest thing was seeing my partner be really upset. it really knocked him for six. He was so upset last night as he had been making plans.

I guess what's hard for me now is the hope is starting to fade into the twilight. I just have no faith in the clinics here in Ireland. There is no sense that they know better than you - in fact i know more than them. Even with this FET, they wanted me to go on the pill. I hate the pill and it makes my cycle irregular and I had to WRITE and tell the doctor that. Now I don't have to take it. The doctor is too busy at 180 euros per hour to bloody well talk to you. Not like in America, where they have their RE's who know them personally - who do individual programme tailored to them. We don't have REs - we are just a number and a cash cow. It's a conveyor belt - do everyone with the same protocol and some will stick and some wont.

Oh, I just don't even think that this FET will work. The faith is GONE. I'm just sick of the whole system here. I don't even have a choice of changing a clinic as we have so few. I mean after, my failed IVF, the doctor didn't even call me to say sorry. Nothing = no follow up, no discussion. Just left in the dark and 5000 euros less in your bank account.

Lovely.

Girls it's gone. I've had it. I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of eating really well, watching my exercise, not drinking wine, not drinking coffee (for 9 months now), giving up my masters degree and of all this work. FOR A SWEET BFN. I'm so angry at the moment. So peed off. So every darn negative emotion in the book. It's all there and I have to get on with it and work every day and I'm working this weekend - heading in now.

I just don't know what to say.
WORDS ARE JUST NOT ENOUGH

2 days late

Well I'm now 2 days late on my period. I was due on Tuesday. I don't want to tempt fate and suddenly for AF to come so maybe I shouldn't even post this. This is not really usual for me as I'm normally bang on time even after all the meds I had been taking since May for my IUIs and IVF treatments.

Anyhow I'm trying my best to not think too much about it. Because it just could be late and these are the kind of events that can "break you" when trying to conceive. The whole building up hopes and then having them dismantled when your AF arrives.

I'm not sure when I'll do the HPT, I had thought about going to the doctor tomorrow for a blood test and that's probably the best course of action, but I'm not sure I'll get an appointment at short notice.

Today I went to the grocery store and I slipped on their wet floor and went flying - my leg is all cut and my pantyhose (tights) are all ripped. Anyhow all is fine. The manager needed a bit more But then I got to thinking - say if I was pregnant and say if I had been badly hurt. What then? It got me thinking about things like - it's not only myself I need to think about now!

Wish me the best! These few days are tense!

xxx cherrygo

Well dear readers

I had a little bit of a "corfuffle" yesterday - I on the spur of the moment decision decided to do a HPT (Home pregnancy Test) when I felt some cramping.

Now of course there was no home test left in my house - they were all in my partner's house. Typical! I then happened upon an OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit) in my drawer and I knew that it measures the amount of Hcg in your system (which is only in your system if you're pregnant). So I thought why not? It'll be fun!

So anyhow, I'm sitting there on the loo (TMI!) and not expecting anything to happen. One line appears and nothing. But then gradually a second line begins to appear. Soon it was equally as dark as the first one. I kind of got a bit breathless and rang my partner - who didn't seem too excited - as it's not an official test. Then I started to google OPK's and positive results and it appeared I "could be."

So I'm officially "could be" at the moment.

I have to say, the past few days I've been feeling strange twinges. They were particularly painful last night. They really took my breath away.

So now, it's official. I'm late. Me, who is regular like the 77 bus- always on time, never late.

I'm 15dpo and no sign of anything or spotting and the cramping has disappeared today.
I wish the cramping would come back - as I found it kind of comforting.

One thing I will say is that my headaches have been thumping the past two weeks - so much so that I complained in work that my VDU was really affecting me. So could I be pregnant? Am I going to do a HPT? The answer is "No", I won't do one. I've decided to wait until Friday and if my AF has not come I'll go to my GP (General Practitioner doctor) and get a blood test. I'll have to do that anyway so I may as well just go straight and get that over with.

So am I excited? No, I'm threading a very fine line here - I don't want to be really upset when my AF arrives. Funnily enough, a close friend of mine called me. I hadn't heard from her in a while as she lives about 200 miles away. She rang to see if I had any news. And -at present, no news is good news. So I'm just biding my time - hoping AF doesn't come. Every waking hour is of - "could I be"? Yet, somehow at the same time, I'm out of body, I'm also very cool calm and collected. What is meant to be will be.

xx cherrygo

Do Dreams come true?

I had this very lovely dream last night. I dreamt my baby came to visit me in a dream. This is the very first time this has ever happened to me so it gives me great comfort!

I always wanted to dream about a baby or having a baby and somehow it evaded me. But last night I had the most lovely dream on this. The dream was really clear with really strong colours and it was like walking in a movie. However, I knew I was in a dream and knew it not to be real. Somehow I knew this dream was being sent to me so I could see my baby.

I could see her (yes that's right a girl) a couple of feet away from me and she was dressed in really bright clothes. I wanted to go up and cuddle her and I asked the person who was giving me the dream, was this possible? The person said yes you can touch her and she will feel real and warm. I went up and touched her - this little blonde baby with a floral pink hat on and a white dress with emerald green flowers. She was smiling at me and I felt so happy. I woke up and immediately told my partner. Funnily enough, I've been having very vivid dreams the past two weeks. I remember them and I'm having them every night. I don't know if it's the vitamins I'm taking or what.

Anyhow, here's hoping that dreams really do come true.

Lotsa hugs cherrygo

Baby Names and visualising it into BEING

It's funny I have been reading a lot of books on "how" women in their 40's get pregnant and the one common thread is they BELIEVE it's going to happen for them. One book, by Sandy Robertson, said she physically spoke to her child, imagined it there beside her in order to manifest her baby. She said she even shopped in baby shops and put up a collage of the type of baby she would have and the baby room's colours.

At first I thought this was a bit mental - a bit taking it too far. A bit bordering on the insane. But with all the success stories - entrepreneurs, inventors, religious workers, charitable workers - before they achieved something big, they ALL could see it first. So I've got to find some comfort in that and perhaps take a leaf out of that book.

Anyhow, I decided I would do my baby collage and yes I've now got a collage in my wallet. I even started thinking of baby names. For some reason I thought of a girl. Not sure why. My partner's sister died when she was 41 ( 5 years ago) in the middle of open heart surgery and her name was June. Coincidentally my mum's name is also June - so I thought it would be fitting if her name was June, but in the old Irish spelling - Shiuin pronounced shoon or
Shoo-wan. So Siuin it is. Siuin Juliana. Then if it's a boy, it's Samuel James (after my partner's uncle - who died last week.)

I kissed him goodbye and asked him for a little wish.

- A baby

Have a great weekend.

No POAS for me

It's CD 23 for me and only 5 more days until CD28. But I've decided to not do a POAS.

I am going to wait until it is late - if it is late. I'm going the old fashioned way. Boy do I hate those sticks - one wee and they determine your mood within 3 minutes. Why oh why were they invented?

But it seems that everywhere, everyone around me is pregnant. We only have a small office and there's three out of the 20 pregnant - all discussing bump positions and their daily grind with heartburn.

The other night I checked my Facebook and my ex and his wife are now "up to duff" 5 months expecting a boy. Married a perfect 3 years and now pregnant right on cue. Now, that hurt. Not because I still fancy the ex - but because he has the perfect wife who has a perfect reproductive system that only looks at her husband and is pregnant. No vitamins - no avoidance of alcohol, no sacrifice or injections for her - all just natural love-making - as it should be.

I keep correcting myself and those green monster feelings as soon as they start to build - I keep reminding myself - yes it will happen to you - so stop feeling jealous when it happens for others. I try to feel happy for them and I generally can. I know jealousy is only a natural reaction - and I immediately stop it in its tracks and replace it.

Then I wonder why is it so easy for some to conceive and so much harder and a journey for others.

I've met so many wonderful women on forums who have fantastic spirits and will make caring, loving mothers, yet the holy grail of pregnancy eludes them. Some continue on their journeys for 7, 8 years and longer and never give up - now that's what I call persistence.

This morning, I noticed this young Dad bringing his shiny pig-tailed 5 year old daughter to school, she holding his hand and he regularly looking down and smiling at her. So pure and so lovely. It's such a nice thing to see. Then I visualise my partner doing the same thing.

Hoping and praying.

Hoping and praying.

Then I wonder - if when it arrives - the double line on the stick saying you are pregnant - is it a let-down, an anti-climax? After all the hoping, wishing, waiting, preparing.

Who knows.

Let's hope I get to see that double pink line. In the meantime, I'm doing everything to try and bring it about.

Yours cherrygo.