Throw caution to the wind.

Well it's been a few days. The song goes "what a difference a day makes" and it certainly does. Whilst I'm not over the moon and brimming with positivity - I have dusted myself off and picked myself up. This AF has been really heavy - so heavy that I haemorrhaged on Sunday night and in work on Monday morning (right through all my clothes onto my chair in the office)- which makes me think this was definitely an embie that tried to take, but didn't - hence how late my period was and hence the positive opk - which duly turned negative.

It's CD5 now, (and AF is still here) and I'm starting to feel things grow inside again - little shoots of follicles starting to awaken to another cycle. Since I started the infertility treatments, I feel these twinges more so than I ever do before. When I'm feeling doubtful and negative - I keep repeating to myself "I can get pregnant, I can get pregnant!" rather than "why can't i get pregnant?" I'm doing my best to support myself. I haven't been able to go online as sometimes you just need to support yourself and get yourself back to a position of strength. In the IF rollercoaster, it's not the drugs or the procedures, it's the emotions: The hope, the energy and the strength needed for each cycle. Sometimes, this hope can really let you down and make you feel twice as worse - for if you hadn't been hopeful you would not be as down now. Ironic really isn't that - that hope can bring you down?

So I'm not sure where I really am emotionally at present - No-man's land. Not happy. Not sad. Not anything - just getting on with it.

Last weekend I minded my 2 year old nephew for a few hours and it thankfully got my mind off everything - albeit for a few hours.

So I'm trying to keep busy to just forget about that whole thing and pretend I'm 30 again and just throwing caution to the wind and having fun.

Yours Cherrygo