Health eating for the long haul.

Well I can truly say I don't feel like it happened for us this month. Somehow I think we missed our window of opportunity. We did baby dance all last week except Friday but, made up for it on Sat morning. So that was Monday, tuesday, Wednesday, thursday.

I've been busy unpacking stuff from my old house and getting it ready for letting, that I've not had much chance to think about TTC - too much. That is - until now - as I think it's either happening in my body now, or it's not. There's either a little bean implanting or not. It has either "compacted" and "morulaed" or not. Next Sunday, is my early response testing, so if no double line, I'll start my hormonal suppression injections for my FET. Onwards and upwards onto my 29th ish cycle.

A friend of mine texted me yesterday, she is really upset - she is 40 and they've been trying in earnest to conceive since May. When she started, she was so full of hope and of optimism that it would happen. I think that initially, you think it's going to happen immediately. You think - one night of shenanigans with your husband, boyfriend or partner and bingo - you're up the duff!!

I laugh when I think back to when my partner and I first got together and he was worried as we had used no condom! He tossed and turned as he wasn't ready for a child after four months of dating. I, on the other hand, knew it was day 22 and knew that was no real chance of it happening. But he was really worried.

Then as the time goes on, it starts to dawn on you, it's not as easy as you think to get pregnant.

The more you have to strive - the more you want it.
The more you want it, the more you strive for it.
The more you strive, the more obsessed you become.
Everything around you is pregnancy - you see babies everywhere. You become sensitised.

And of course on our initial journey into trying to conceive - I was so unhealthy: I was binge drinking (lots of wine and alcohol), having lots of cappucinos, lattes and extra stong coffee, skipping meals and eating all the wrong stuff (junk food, chinese takeaways). This, combined with the stress of pursuing a part time masters and day job took its toll on my system.

There was one time, we were in Spain and I had a lot of spotting (around the time of implantation). Of course, I was on holidays and drinking lots of sangria and wine. Then when my period didn't come - I stopped drinking, worried I had ruined the fetus in my drinking sessions. Needless to say, my period came. albeit 3 days late. But as soon as it came, I was back to wine and sangria. This continued into 2008 and still no BFP.

Then last Valentines day, (2009) I started to think about giving up all the bad stuff. I started to believe there is a link between good diet and good eggs. I also started to think - that I need to preserve my fertility - if it's going to take a while to get pregnant. So I wasn't just looking at it short term - I was thinking about this long term. So I gave up the coffee, tea, junk food and replaced it with berries, fruit, vegetables good red meat and lots and lots of water. this is a long term commitment and a lifestyle, not a fad diet in advance of IVF. It has to be a way of life. Of course, it means I'm so much more healthier.

Somehow though, since I've started all this healthy stuff, I don't feel any better? Considering all the sleep, exercise, water and vitamin supplements I take, you would think I'd be as healthy as an ox. But no, I still don't feel fantastic. Last Friday, the acupuncturist said my energy levels were really low and that my digestive system was not working properly. She really hurt me during my session:when she stuck a needle into my hand and my arm, I leapt about in pain. " A blockage" she said as I writhed in agony, "this your problem." It was most definitely my problem as she prescribed me with herbs that cost about 45 euro and they tasted like "smelly feet mixed up with dirty dish water". I thought I was really going to heave taking them. In fact, I wish she could give me them in tablet form as I even dread having to boil them. Oh the price we pay on this fertility trip. She has also made me take my BBT (body basal temperature) every morning. So far I've been one whole degree warmer than my partner. I take mine, then I take his - just to make him feel part of it.

Yet my energy levels are still low, the herbs aren't working. I feel like crap today - tired and headachey yet again.
Maybe it's just age - or maybe it's just the commute to work every day - or maybe I've hit gold.

I'll keep you posted.