IUI Number 2 - Becoming a infertility junkie

I guess I didn't even have the time to think about IUI number 2 as literally number 1 was over and suddenly I had to start the drug protocol on day 1 of my period. Of course, typically the witch (period) arrived on a Sunday and my pharmacy was closed on that day. Panicking I cried and cried when I realised I would be a day late taking my Tamoxifen. I think I was finally letting out the emotions of the failure of IUI 1. The hen party had been great fun. But I had been hiding my true emotions.

I'm a great believer in the good cry. Always get emotions out of you - whether that's disappointment(cry), stress (shout really loud) or happiness (laugh and smile), resentment (forgive your friend/family/work colleague). I read a really good book by Louise Hay (You can heal your body) who states that a lot of our illnesses and body problems are due to our emotions.
So I had a good cry and as I said before, on the Monday going to work, I felt a spring in my step once more.

Anyhow, started the Tamoxifen a day late but things were still progressing fine and dandy when I went in for my Transvaginal scan on my cycle day (CD6). Tamoxifen is another one of those follicle stimulating hormones and really no side effects at all.

Did I tell you about these scans? They're called TV scans in the med world. Yup, smile your uterus is on candid camera!

Nothing really to worry about - except if you get a nurse who is uncannily rough. You basically sit in the stirrups and they insert a penis shaped ultrasound camera which is able to see into your cervix and your ovaries etc., This enables them to see if you are progressing and if the drugs are working the way they want them to. It can be a little uncomfortable and little embarressing -if you are private or shy. But then, if you're having a baby, all dignity will go out the door! Get used to the stirrups! In fact welcome them! Pregnancy I hear will be Stirrup Central.

By about day 6, it was time for me to start my Gonal F pen injection. Fantastic! I loved those injections. Found myself entertaining with a dinner party and running upstairs to inject in true junkie fashion!!

By the second time around, I was a veteran.... This time I didn't feel as much twinges or movements down in my ovaries. In no time, it was IUI numero two and there I was in the stirrups again, waiting on the catheter to inject those spermies inside. You really feel nothing when the catheter is inserted. The first time I kind of felt fluid inside and a warm fuzzy feeling (which made me feel it had worked). But this time nothing. I guess for the entire two week wait (2ww) I felt nothing: no twinges, no pains, no cramps. Of course, it didn't help that I told my partner that his sperm had dwindled somewhat (two stag parties and lots of wild partying had helped obliterate his sperm count down to 10 million). He lost faith when I told him that - "what!" he said - "down to 10 million from 56 million?" Of course, I was truly positive this time around.

I was the Queen of Visualisations:
I saw picture postcards of me and my belly.
MY belly in jeans, in dresses. Stroking my belly
I looked at pregnancy clothes in the shop.
I pictured my face all puffed with pregnancy.
I saw (for some reason 2) kids run into my partners arms.

So I was convinced it worked. I had graduated to an A++ in positive thinking. But here, dear readers, is a somewhat fine line. You should be positive, but tread the tight rope of allowing yourself to also think positive if it does not happen. I'll explain this a little later.

So anyhow I broke down and decided to do the home pregnancy test (HPT) three days before I should have. Needless to say, the walls of my positive thinking and positive visualisation came crashing down around me when I got my negative. I went into a kind of a vaccum. A feeling of being there, but not there? Sure, I went for my walks, met friends, but the positive girl I am and was, had disappeared. Had she disappeared into a puff of infertility drugs smoke? Or was I just experiencing this roller coaster of emotions which many people write about in terms of fertility treatments.

I decided then and there I was going for IVF. It just came to me. Like they say the best ideas do. I needed to know the next piece in the jigsaw puzzle - My eggs. I wanted to know if they could meet with one of my partner's sperm and make an embryo.
Even if it got that far, I could have faith.

When I made up my mind that I was going to dig into my partner's life savings and mine to pay for this - I told him straight away. He was, as usual, solid and supportive - he wanted whatever I wanted. In fact, his birthday is coming up soon and all he wants is you know what? A Big Fat Pregnancy (BFP!)

So the lesson learnt here was always be prepared for both eventualities. I thought about this the other day - If IVF does not happen I'm fine with that. The universe will send me this baby when it's right for me. What that plan is yet - I don't know. Perhaps it is to make me value it more, cherish it more - when it does eventually come. Make me stronger. Make our relationship stronger. Who knows.
But I'm fine either way.
I've made my peace with the plan.
And most of all we've shook hands